As i expected.

just when i asked her to surprise me, i knew she was going to do nothing about it.
and luckily i din set my hopes up high cos she disappointed me again. sigh.

this is seriously going nowhere.

the border is getting thinner.
the ice is cracking.
the lines are breaking.

i'm very close to doing "it" again.
i guess its much better that way.
not for those who care for me, but at least for once in my life, i thought about myself than anyone else.

bring me back to you dear......................................God.
i am suffering as the days go by.
i'd rather suffer under your torture cos at least i deserved it.

.

i dont understand what is so hard for her to change.
i dont understand why she doesn't have that drive.
i dont understand why she wants to work this out when she's not trying enough.
i dont understand why she says she cares about me.

caring about me when i'm suicidal is not caring. its just that she feels bad cos she's the cause of it. caring means understanding my needs. she has not understood that at all. if she were to really care about me, she would have given a thought to why i'm always looking for her, missing her and being such an emo these days.

she shows no interest.

others come way ahead in line and i have to wait behind a really fucking long queue just to be able to spend like an hour with her. we used to spend like 3 hours the least with each other. now, an hour is such a tire for her.

never will she give in to me for anything.

and when i'm missing from her view, she'll come looking with things like "i'm sorry for being mean and neglecting you.." and all those stuff.
what? i'm her shirt or something? she uses me to comfort her but when i'm used, she can just chuck me aside for all she cares?

i really dont understand her. i can show you proof of girls contacting me. they call me like irritating pests. yet i'm still not keeping my options open.

Ya Allah. what the hell is wrong with me? why am i still hanging on to someone who does not love me the way she used to? she knows we're going through tough times yet she neglects me. and when i'm emo, she'll say i'm naggy. when i ask her to change, she says its tough but the fact of the matter is that she refuses to.

what the hell is wrong with her? you really want to know if you're really being that bad? yes you are. how could you ask me to go jalan raya with you to Pak Ali's house when you know that i wanna spend time with you alone? cant you see this?? i want time for us. not time with others but when we're together.
it does not work!

i read her blog dating back to really old posts. and i cried again. she was really such a dear to me. she talks about me almost all the time and they have never been bad comments. now, only problems and more problems.

cant she see that the problem here lies with her and not me?? and cant she see that she's the one who needs to change and not me??

and she doesn't want to break this up.
fine.
then why torture me like this? when i say i feel like trash, you cant accept it. but you jolly well put yourself in my shoes and see how bad you are torturing me.. my eyes are going blind from all these intense crying. if i dont get to see the world one day if she's not with me, i dont care. cos it wont hurt as much as seeing her being happy with another man.

i am still hoping for a miracle. let me die. i dont deserve all this.
unless there is a drastic change in her attitude towards us, i want to die. cos she never seem to mean everything she said. contradicting to everything she says all the time.

she says: i love you.
she says: i miss you.
she says: i care for you.
she says: i dont want to break this up.
she says: i treasure these 4 years.
she says: i need you.
she says: i will change.
she says: i will go crazy if you left me one day.
she says: you are important to me.

but in my opinion,

1) she does not show affection.
2) she does not find me.
3) she does not hear me out nor understands me.
4) she kept saying she understands if i leave her.
5) she does not do wad she does as before.
6) she looks for others for help.
7) she says its hard to change.
8) when i left her for 5 days, she was normal throughout.
9) she neglects me.

contradicting?
not to her.
i dont know what to do or believe now.

we can have such a passionate kiss on one day, and the next, she totally shrugs me off. this week, the only thing i asked of her was to come over to my place to chill. and she said she'll see how as usual. so concidentally, every other thing became more important than spending time with me. so for 3 days, i had to endure her reasons. and the thing goes like this.

1) asked her to come to my place one night and she said she'll see how. she ended up taking chicken from bedok for her mom. nevermind. pass that.
2) the very night after the "chicken incident" i asked her to come over again. she said see how. end up, she had to entertain her stepbro who was coming.
3) i know that she was going out with her frens on sat that was why i asked her to come over.

i got really really sad.

then she came to find out how sad i was to undergo this treatment and started sending loving messages and calling me on the phone and all. best thing is, she asked me out to her uncle's if we wanted to go out the next day. what an unreasonable option was that?

and the cream of the crop here is this. She jolly well knew that she forced me over to her place while i was having a fever to send her a dumb memory card reader. and me, being such a softie towards her, went over despite my temperature of 39.1 degrees.

all i asked for was to come to my place after her work and she was all well and healthy. love me? i dont understand. you do not sacrifice for me AT ALL.

now she says each time she reads my blog, she feels like she is being cruel. the fact of the matter here is this Yana. this is reality snapping its fingers at you. YOU ARE. not that i'm being mean or anything. but i'm telling you what i honestly feel. why not you let everyone read my posts and compare them to yours and ask them to judge who is being bad here? sigh.

i've stood my ground. now you surprise me. i'm not going to look for you high and low like the despo i was before. you want this to work, put your hand into it and clap with me. if not, you're just better off with that other guy. probably he can take all this. but i seriously dont think i deserve any single bit of this nonsense cos i have showered you with more than i can afford for myself. i dont even love myself now. its all you. and everyone says, "ash mane nak pikir yg lain. yana je.." and "abg you tau la ma. yana first, anything else dont matter to him..".

how nice those comments are. i've got loads more to write but i'm not going to waste anymore effort here cos i've put undescribable effort which to you instead, means that i'm being naggy and irritating.

so for that, i wont irritate you further. enjoy your day again today. hopefully you have some other plans cooked up for you instead cos i simply dont mean a crap to you. sigh. you go ahead and enjoy every single bit of your days ok while i stay confused, depressed, neglected and humiliated.

thanks alot for the memories you have given me cos each time i cry, i smile to each one of them.

sigh.

my frail heart.

i'm crying now. i'm crying all the time. my tears have all washed away. none is coming out. been days now since it shed any.

i know i'm strong.
i know i'm capable.
i know how to handle issues others simply cant with ease.
i solve people's problems.
i speak up to others.
others look up to me as a guide.
i path the journey of a never ending story for people all the time.

but in my relationship as of now,

i'm frail.
i dunno how capable i am anymore.
i cant handle any issue with ease.
i dunno how to solve my own problems.
i dunno how else to speak up.
i have nobody to look up to.
nobody is guiding me,
and my path has a lot of broken crevices.

i just read her blog. i think she's bottling something up still. probably plenty more. if she detonates the bomb earlier, it would be less painful for me. the bomb she defused recently was kept for 5 months. probably the moment i just received my probation. i dunno how long will all this take. my heart is finally stopping its pounding. i dont know what it means. im so unsure of what she wants and needs now. she still needs me she says. but i doubt so. cos,

1) she doesn't look for me like other girlfriends look for their boyfriends. sigh.
2) there's still no affection. sigh.
3) she prioritizes other things than me still. sigh.
4) she says its hard to change. sigh.
5) she requires time to change everything to where it was. sigh.
6) the fact of the matter is, there's nothing to change. its just natural and normal couple stuff. sigh.
7) she's influenced by other things but me. sigh.
8) she hardly comes over to meet my family. sigh.
9) she says she loves me but i don't see it. sigh.
10) i miss her so much but she only says she misses me to make me feel better. sigh.

so many sleepless nights. so many tears i've shed. my eyes cant shed tears anymore when i cry. its that bad. and all i get is the same boat rocking back and forth.

what is this that we're actually going through dear? can you just be honest with me so i can get over all of this? do not force feelings please.. sigh. it hurts more to know that its being forced than its really being given. save me from all this. you really make me think too much. i cant sleep cos i keep thinkin of a whole lot of nonsense. i cant do anything right cos i keep thinkin too. its suicidal thoughts. please save me from all these..

You're the only one who can make me this weak. i have never succumbed to anyone and that is for real. sigh. u make me shake to the end of my spine. i cant sleep again today. i have to force myself to sleep every single day.

everyone's pushing girl numbers to me. i get messages from girls asking me about my relationship and stuff. and i don't know who on earth they are. as of now, there are 4 girls randomly smsing me. not one have i entertained. so many numbers pushed to me. not one have i taken. i'm still hanging on for you to "change".

end of the day, i still wont be satisfied cos i have expectations set too high for you to give cos i know what you are capable of giving. i want Haryana Binte Zulkifli from back in 2004/2005. not the current infuenced version. its so hard to love this new version now. its not the same person i used to know and loved wholeheartedly.

people telling me to let go, but i'm still not listening. am i stupid or stubborn? sigh. i really dont know why i'm so emotional nowadays. if she works in IMH one day and sees me there, it will be painful for her. i'm better of dead.

i'm better of gone. hoping for a miracle to save this or to take me away. she'll be much happier.


sigh....

what is wrong with me..

"she still does not show you affection.
she is still not giving what she took away from you.
she is not giving in to you.
and now she is taking more things away from you.
you are still hanging on??
what are you an idiot??"

things ppl keep saying to me.

and after today and reading "it" again, i'm still not convinced.
is she really made for me?
is she really the one?
was it her i really saw in my dreams?

f: "why are you still here ash? why are you still here?"

a: "cos i love her so much man.."

f: "love is "sacrifice". if she aint sacrificing, she aint loving"

a: "sigh...."


she wants to work it out wit me. but i honestly dont see any effort.
thanking me back and forth for things i do is not the solution.
people thank me everyday. so get a clue.
i really wonder if my efforts are worth the while cos it seems like she dun really wan this.

maybe i really should stop hurting myself.
i just dont know how.

i gave her the chance.
i showed my affection.
i tell her i love her everyday with all my heart.
i miss her all the time.
i bought her flowers as a surprise.
i called her every night cos she wants it so much.
i went to her house to pass her nothing special though i'm sick.

all i got was, "thanks ash, you're always there for me."

now she wants to remove my pics away from her pages.

but when i straighten things out with her, she says i'm blaming her and she's a very bad person.
how do i move on like this?
what does "working things out" mean to you dear?
you dont even call me "sayang" or "dear" the least, over the phone.
but u expect me to give you my 200% which i am.
the result of my 200%, my fever.
and after all this, she will say that she dont deserve a guy like me.
hello, even farah, such a rough girl can call her partner sayang and all.

u are following your influences or your perceptions too much.
that alter ego of yours is killing me softly.

wont be able to slp tonight again i think.

will be dead in no time.


ps. remember when i asked you to watch suria that afternoon about ppl committing suicide and stuff? it was not meant for you. it was meant for me. ppl who eventually commit suicide are those who starts off by saying "ppl dun care about me and i wanna kill myself". when i reflected, i noticed that i've said that countless times.

below are NOTA's lyrics.

verse 1:
hidupku bermula sebagai manusia biasa.
seorang insan, seorang hamba yang ingin bercinta.
tetapi kini, semua diakhiri.
apabila ku berjumpa dgan seorang juwita ini.
ku telah merasa betapa indahnya dunia.
setiap kali, setiap masa ku berada dgannya.
hatiku, hanya buatmu kekasih.
cintaku untukmu suci lagi ikhlas sejati.
masa lalu dgan pantas tanpa ku sedari.
setiap saat bersamamu amat ku hargai.
demimu kekasih sanggup ku korbani,
tiada apa yg ku ingin, hanya untukmu menghargai.
kini kau mula memberi berbagai alasan.
kau cuba hilangkan diri tanpa ku perasan.
tidakku sangka iakan terjadi begini.
tetapi ku tabah dan menerima cobaan ini.

chorus:
kata kata yg benar sudah ku terdengar,
perhubungan kita hanyalah mainan,
semua yg dikatakan hanyalah dongengan,
perjanjian dilafaz semua tak benar.
kian ku renungi apa yg terjadi,
ku telah mengalah kepada si realiti.
notaku hanya buatmu kekasih,
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.

verse2:
kini kau telah menghancurkan hatiku.
empat tahun telah ku menahan tipu helahmu.
keputusan yg muktamad akanku beri disini.
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.
cuba kau beritahu apakah kesilapanku?
dan kemanakah hilang janji2 manismu?
apa yg pasti, hanyalah ini, dengar di sini,
walau apa jua pun jagalah diri.
sedangku perhatikan apa yg berada di bawahku,
aku pasti bahawa aku tidak keliru,
aku tekad dgan keputusan aku ini
pabila ku tiada jgn kamu mencari cari.
berbahagialah kamu dgan si calon baru,
dan jgnlah kamu tertanya tanyakan tentang aku.
selamat tinggal sayang, aku ucapkan kepadamu,
hadiah terakhir buatmu, harap kau terima notaku.

chorus:
kata kata yg benar sudah ku terdengar,
perhubungan kita hanyalah mainan,
semua yg dikatakan hanyalah dongengan,
perjanjian dilafaz semua tak benar.
kian ku renungi apa yg terjadi,
ku telah mengalah kepada si realiti.
notaku hanya buatmu kekasih,
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.

dont let nota be the last coincidence to our relationship please.
i dont wish for anyone to pass you a note of my last breath.

Forgive me if i have sinned towards you.