what is wrong with me..

"she still does not show you affection.
she is still not giving what she took away from you.
she is not giving in to you.
and now she is taking more things away from you.
you are still hanging on??
what are you an idiot??"

things ppl keep saying to me.

and after today and reading "it" again, i'm still not convinced.
is she really made for me?
is she really the one?
was it her i really saw in my dreams?

f: "why are you still here ash? why are you still here?"

a: "cos i love her so much man.."

f: "love is "sacrifice". if she aint sacrificing, she aint loving"

a: "sigh...."


she wants to work it out wit me. but i honestly dont see any effort.
thanking me back and forth for things i do is not the solution.
people thank me everyday. so get a clue.
i really wonder if my efforts are worth the while cos it seems like she dun really wan this.

maybe i really should stop hurting myself.
i just dont know how.

i gave her the chance.
i showed my affection.
i tell her i love her everyday with all my heart.
i miss her all the time.
i bought her flowers as a surprise.
i called her every night cos she wants it so much.
i went to her house to pass her nothing special though i'm sick.

all i got was, "thanks ash, you're always there for me."

now she wants to remove my pics away from her pages.

but when i straighten things out with her, she says i'm blaming her and she's a very bad person.
how do i move on like this?
what does "working things out" mean to you dear?
you dont even call me "sayang" or "dear" the least, over the phone.
but u expect me to give you my 200% which i am.
the result of my 200%, my fever.
and after all this, she will say that she dont deserve a guy like me.
hello, even farah, such a rough girl can call her partner sayang and all.

u are following your influences or your perceptions too much.
that alter ego of yours is killing me softly.

wont be able to slp tonight again i think.

will be dead in no time.


ps. remember when i asked you to watch suria that afternoon about ppl committing suicide and stuff? it was not meant for you. it was meant for me. ppl who eventually commit suicide are those who starts off by saying "ppl dun care about me and i wanna kill myself". when i reflected, i noticed that i've said that countless times.

below are NOTA's lyrics.

verse 1:
hidupku bermula sebagai manusia biasa.
seorang insan, seorang hamba yang ingin bercinta.
tetapi kini, semua diakhiri.
apabila ku berjumpa dgan seorang juwita ini.
ku telah merasa betapa indahnya dunia.
setiap kali, setiap masa ku berada dgannya.
hatiku, hanya buatmu kekasih.
cintaku untukmu suci lagi ikhlas sejati.
masa lalu dgan pantas tanpa ku sedari.
setiap saat bersamamu amat ku hargai.
demimu kekasih sanggup ku korbani,
tiada apa yg ku ingin, hanya untukmu menghargai.
kini kau mula memberi berbagai alasan.
kau cuba hilangkan diri tanpa ku perasan.
tidakku sangka iakan terjadi begini.
tetapi ku tabah dan menerima cobaan ini.

chorus:
kata kata yg benar sudah ku terdengar,
perhubungan kita hanyalah mainan,
semua yg dikatakan hanyalah dongengan,
perjanjian dilafaz semua tak benar.
kian ku renungi apa yg terjadi,
ku telah mengalah kepada si realiti.
notaku hanya buatmu kekasih,
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.

verse2:
kini kau telah menghancurkan hatiku.
empat tahun telah ku menahan tipu helahmu.
keputusan yg muktamad akanku beri disini.
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.
cuba kau beritahu apakah kesilapanku?
dan kemanakah hilang janji2 manismu?
apa yg pasti, hanyalah ini, dengar di sini,
walau apa jua pun jagalah diri.
sedangku perhatikan apa yg berada di bawahku,
aku pasti bahawa aku tidak keliru,
aku tekad dgan keputusan aku ini
pabila ku tiada jgn kamu mencari cari.
berbahagialah kamu dgan si calon baru,
dan jgnlah kamu tertanya tanyakan tentang aku.
selamat tinggal sayang, aku ucapkan kepadamu,
hadiah terakhir buatmu, harap kau terima notaku.

chorus:
kata kata yg benar sudah ku terdengar,
perhubungan kita hanyalah mainan,
semua yg dikatakan hanyalah dongengan,
perjanjian dilafaz semua tak benar.
kian ku renungi apa yg terjadi,
ku telah mengalah kepada si realiti.
notaku hanya buatmu kekasih,
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.

dont let nota be the last coincidence to our relationship please.
i dont wish for anyone to pass you a note of my last breath.

Forgive me if i have sinned towards you.