.

i dont understand what is so hard for her to change.
i dont understand why she doesn't have that drive.
i dont understand why she wants to work this out when she's not trying enough.
i dont understand why she says she cares about me.

caring about me when i'm suicidal is not caring. its just that she feels bad cos she's the cause of it. caring means understanding my needs. she has not understood that at all. if she were to really care about me, she would have given a thought to why i'm always looking for her, missing her and being such an emo these days.

she shows no interest.

others come way ahead in line and i have to wait behind a really fucking long queue just to be able to spend like an hour with her. we used to spend like 3 hours the least with each other. now, an hour is such a tire for her.

never will she give in to me for anything.

and when i'm missing from her view, she'll come looking with things like "i'm sorry for being mean and neglecting you.." and all those stuff.
what? i'm her shirt or something? she uses me to comfort her but when i'm used, she can just chuck me aside for all she cares?

i really dont understand her. i can show you proof of girls contacting me. they call me like irritating pests. yet i'm still not keeping my options open.

Ya Allah. what the hell is wrong with me? why am i still hanging on to someone who does not love me the way she used to? she knows we're going through tough times yet she neglects me. and when i'm emo, she'll say i'm naggy. when i ask her to change, she says its tough but the fact of the matter is that she refuses to.

what the hell is wrong with her? you really want to know if you're really being that bad? yes you are. how could you ask me to go jalan raya with you to Pak Ali's house when you know that i wanna spend time with you alone? cant you see this?? i want time for us. not time with others but when we're together.
it does not work!

i read her blog dating back to really old posts. and i cried again. she was really such a dear to me. she talks about me almost all the time and they have never been bad comments. now, only problems and more problems.

cant she see that the problem here lies with her and not me?? and cant she see that she's the one who needs to change and not me??

and she doesn't want to break this up.
fine.
then why torture me like this? when i say i feel like trash, you cant accept it. but you jolly well put yourself in my shoes and see how bad you are torturing me.. my eyes are going blind from all these intense crying. if i dont get to see the world one day if she's not with me, i dont care. cos it wont hurt as much as seeing her being happy with another man.

i am still hoping for a miracle. let me die. i dont deserve all this.
unless there is a drastic change in her attitude towards us, i want to die. cos she never seem to mean everything she said. contradicting to everything she says all the time.

she says: i love you.
she says: i miss you.
she says: i care for you.
she says: i dont want to break this up.
she says: i treasure these 4 years.
she says: i need you.
she says: i will change.
she says: i will go crazy if you left me one day.
she says: you are important to me.

but in my opinion,

1) she does not show affection.
2) she does not find me.
3) she does not hear me out nor understands me.
4) she kept saying she understands if i leave her.
5) she does not do wad she does as before.
6) she looks for others for help.
7) she says its hard to change.
8) when i left her for 5 days, she was normal throughout.
9) she neglects me.

contradicting?
not to her.
i dont know what to do or believe now.

we can have such a passionate kiss on one day, and the next, she totally shrugs me off. this week, the only thing i asked of her was to come over to my place to chill. and she said she'll see how as usual. so concidentally, every other thing became more important than spending time with me. so for 3 days, i had to endure her reasons. and the thing goes like this.

1) asked her to come to my place one night and she said she'll see how. she ended up taking chicken from bedok for her mom. nevermind. pass that.
2) the very night after the "chicken incident" i asked her to come over again. she said see how. end up, she had to entertain her stepbro who was coming.
3) i know that she was going out with her frens on sat that was why i asked her to come over.

i got really really sad.

then she came to find out how sad i was to undergo this treatment and started sending loving messages and calling me on the phone and all. best thing is, she asked me out to her uncle's if we wanted to go out the next day. what an unreasonable option was that?

and the cream of the crop here is this. She jolly well knew that she forced me over to her place while i was having a fever to send her a dumb memory card reader. and me, being such a softie towards her, went over despite my temperature of 39.1 degrees.

all i asked for was to come to my place after her work and she was all well and healthy. love me? i dont understand. you do not sacrifice for me AT ALL.

now she says each time she reads my blog, she feels like she is being cruel. the fact of the matter here is this Yana. this is reality snapping its fingers at you. YOU ARE. not that i'm being mean or anything. but i'm telling you what i honestly feel. why not you let everyone read my posts and compare them to yours and ask them to judge who is being bad here? sigh.

i've stood my ground. now you surprise me. i'm not going to look for you high and low like the despo i was before. you want this to work, put your hand into it and clap with me. if not, you're just better off with that other guy. probably he can take all this. but i seriously dont think i deserve any single bit of this nonsense cos i have showered you with more than i can afford for myself. i dont even love myself now. its all you. and everyone says, "ash mane nak pikir yg lain. yana je.." and "abg you tau la ma. yana first, anything else dont matter to him..".

how nice those comments are. i've got loads more to write but i'm not going to waste anymore effort here cos i've put undescribable effort which to you instead, means that i'm being naggy and irritating.

so for that, i wont irritate you further. enjoy your day again today. hopefully you have some other plans cooked up for you instead cos i simply dont mean a crap to you. sigh. you go ahead and enjoy every single bit of your days ok while i stay confused, depressed, neglected and humiliated.

thanks alot for the memories you have given me cos each time i cry, i smile to each one of them.

sigh.