my frail heart.

i'm crying now. i'm crying all the time. my tears have all washed away. none is coming out. been days now since it shed any.

i know i'm strong.
i know i'm capable.
i know how to handle issues others simply cant with ease.
i solve people's problems.
i speak up to others.
others look up to me as a guide.
i path the journey of a never ending story for people all the time.

but in my relationship as of now,

i'm frail.
i dunno how capable i am anymore.
i cant handle any issue with ease.
i dunno how to solve my own problems.
i dunno how else to speak up.
i have nobody to look up to.
nobody is guiding me,
and my path has a lot of broken crevices.

i just read her blog. i think she's bottling something up still. probably plenty more. if she detonates the bomb earlier, it would be less painful for me. the bomb she defused recently was kept for 5 months. probably the moment i just received my probation. i dunno how long will all this take. my heart is finally stopping its pounding. i dont know what it means. im so unsure of what she wants and needs now. she still needs me she says. but i doubt so. cos,

1) she doesn't look for me like other girlfriends look for their boyfriends. sigh.
2) there's still no affection. sigh.
3) she prioritizes other things than me still. sigh.
4) she says its hard to change. sigh.
5) she requires time to change everything to where it was. sigh.
6) the fact of the matter is, there's nothing to change. its just natural and normal couple stuff. sigh.
7) she's influenced by other things but me. sigh.
8) she hardly comes over to meet my family. sigh.
9) she says she loves me but i don't see it. sigh.
10) i miss her so much but she only says she misses me to make me feel better. sigh.

so many sleepless nights. so many tears i've shed. my eyes cant shed tears anymore when i cry. its that bad. and all i get is the same boat rocking back and forth.

what is this that we're actually going through dear? can you just be honest with me so i can get over all of this? do not force feelings please.. sigh. it hurts more to know that its being forced than its really being given. save me from all this. you really make me think too much. i cant sleep cos i keep thinkin of a whole lot of nonsense. i cant do anything right cos i keep thinkin too. its suicidal thoughts. please save me from all these..

You're the only one who can make me this weak. i have never succumbed to anyone and that is for real. sigh. u make me shake to the end of my spine. i cant sleep again today. i have to force myself to sleep every single day.

everyone's pushing girl numbers to me. i get messages from girls asking me about my relationship and stuff. and i don't know who on earth they are. as of now, there are 4 girls randomly smsing me. not one have i entertained. so many numbers pushed to me. not one have i taken. i'm still hanging on for you to "change".

end of the day, i still wont be satisfied cos i have expectations set too high for you to give cos i know what you are capable of giving. i want Haryana Binte Zulkifli from back in 2004/2005. not the current infuenced version. its so hard to love this new version now. its not the same person i used to know and loved wholeheartedly.

people telling me to let go, but i'm still not listening. am i stupid or stubborn? sigh. i really dont know why i'm so emotional nowadays. if she works in IMH one day and sees me there, it will be painful for her. i'm better of dead.

i'm better of gone. hoping for a miracle to save this or to take me away. she'll be much happier.


sigh....