vanquish the weak.

i just realized how stupid i was when i sent that message to that asshole, Sobri. i sounded so much like a pussy. now i think i've made a grave mistake. i made him look down on me cos i sounded like such a wimp/pussy/wuss whatever u may like to address it. i should have just fucked him straight up in that message no matter how or what the outcome would be like. god damn it. regretting every single piece of it now.

and somehow that 3 hour chat with Emma made me feel so much more like a man. she is in ur shoes dear. she does it to hype. and from her view, its not that asshole's fault entirely. its more likely yours. cos emma said that you were actually "lacking attention" from me so u sought to him for attention and crazed for it silly till such things happened. i'm not gonna drag this anymore. i got my pride back.

i said u were one in a million.

emma's reply?

"one in a million wont cheat. a million in one does."

whatever...

and she says its very hard for her to change and it goes along with u. why u ask? cos the love is not there. its more like "forced" love now. more of "tak nak break my heart cos kesian" kinda thing. you should noe that whatever u did, did not make me stray away. it just made me love you more. before it builds to an even greater level, if whatever i'm saying is true, and ur just in it to not break me, i suggest u do it. confess to me. whatever in ur head right now, please gimme a clue.

this is my last entry about our "big problem".

Happy 49th Anniversary my dear.
I love you.
Too much.

sigh.

pleae read those comments dear.. please.....
sigh.

i miss the old you.

if you're reading this..

if you're reading this my dear, u should really read those comments u sent me in friendster back in those days. oh my god. we were so much closer back then. we commented on each other ever so often. and we were so loving and sweet together back then. those constant disturbing, the teasing, the poems, the misses, the drop-bys and those other sweet things we use to have with each other. that is what i call a true loving relationship. please go read them. i beg you. i really go down on my knees and touch ur feet and beg you. please read them. cos i really want the old you back. sigh. please dear. read every single comment u sent me before. sigh. it might bring you back on track cos i really miss being around the old you. =( i miss u so much now after i've read it, and i cant help but wait for you to call me when u wake up. i teared while reading them. u were so sweet dear. u really were. i know u still are. that is when the "affection" you use to give me and now you've taken back is missing. i need those back please.. waaaaaaaaa...!! i cant put my begging into words now. i just truly, madly, deeply miss those days.

i love every single bit of you, thick or thin, pretty or ugly. ur just sweetness divine. lets really work on our relationship dear. we will last an eternity.

sorry for being very hard on you these days. i just had to let it off my chest and to keep you informed. i wont be harsh anymore. if i get mad or anything, i'll sulk instead. just like i use to. we shall refresh our relationship from where the "spice" was missing dear. i love you so much.

it kills me to not know yet it killed me when i knew. do not keep anymore secrets between us dear. lets have a transparent relationship like old times. it works back then, it shall work again for us now. i trust you into not breaking my heart and the promises you made along with the 5 dos and 5 donts.


Anticipating Haryana Bte Zulkifli from 2006 to come back to me.
Sigh... :(

.

she doesnt give in anymore. change? she thought so. not to me it is. she'll never change. she says she will take dat pic, she did not. she says she'll do ANYTHING to make sure i'm safe. she does nothing. her ego is everest high. "i'm never going to give in to anything" is the attitude she adopts permanently now. i have to give in to everything. u know what? i'll stop giving in from today. if she tinks i'm worth the wait for marriage cos she's "saving" it till then, then she'll have to show that she means it. how could you shout at me and even attempted to walk away?! what right do u have? i dont have rights over you. so what makes u tink u have any rights over me? u dont like me being in control of wad u do right? so dun control me. its only fair. u wanted that for a very long time right? fine! i give in again. u have ur freedom and ur rights to yourself. i wont say anythin anymore. n dun say u love me when u dun cos i dont see it. yes u do show me a certain level of affection. but i am guessing that they are just short-lived moments so that i would shut up from all the "nagging" of which u have never adhered to. probably these "repetitive reminders" otherwise known as "nagging" to you are of some good cos without my nagging, NOTHING will even change. ur obliviousness is getting the best out of you. u dont even noe how to make me happy now. u dont noe how to see if i'm sad and do somethin about it. instead, u will keep repeating ur constant "unsatisfying" comments like "what is wrong with making friends? ok i stopped. memang tak perlu buat kawan2 dgan laki2 ni smue. tapi apa salahnya seh?" she forgot she got to noe me from friendster. hinted enough? she wont understand anythin i say. its just another nag. i noe. i went missing from everyone yesterday and she got especially worried about me. or so it seems. but when i went the extra mile to come home to get my phone back and received all those messages from her, i went a futher mile by attempting to borrow my cousin's car and fetch her from work. what happens next? she din even seem relieved or excited. she just seemed neutral. like nothin has happened. what is this? Dear God almighty, open her eyes and wake her up. she's been sleep walking for far too long and she's hurting me badly, deeply.

Someone, something, please take me far away from all this misery. otherwise, someone, something, wake her up. sigh.

my head.

sigh..
voices from the depths seeping out to my heart.
telling me to do all sorts of things i dont wanna do.
sleepless nights, persistent thoughts,
answering back shouldnt be a problem?

wrong..

every answer gets a worse reply.
every secret hidden gives space for more questioning.
a police officer in there.
3 different referrals, all with the same objective.
to see if its really topsy turvy up there.

every secret found out, relieves the pain in the mind.
but pain in the heart, unbearable.
all leading to one conclusion.
mr voice: "kill yourself you lousy, hopeless bastard. what are you waiting for you idiot? nobody cares about you."

Insane? not really.
more like paranoid to me.

why must this happen dear god?
i know i have been a really bad boy not serving you as a servant.
but i'll come back and you know that.
Help me dear god. help me.
help me to move on or move over, please... sigh..

i love her with all my heart.
i give her my everything, even if it troubles me.
i dont care.
i sacrifice all i got for her.
i'm givin all out in this relationship.
but i got this in return.
where is the fairness?

VOICES SHUT UP! (it came)

sigh.
prove me wrong dear.
please prove me wrong.
please please please please please work on this with extreme importance dear.
we want to start a family, not another forgettable memory.

ignore him completely please...
i cant beg enough. i'll stop here.

sigh..

when he comes back, or anyone else comes,
please dont be tempted to enter that open trap again.
it hit u once, real hard.
it hit me with millions of spears, much harder.
nobody wants to have my "special friend" within them. trust me.

its really painful.
i bet surgery wont hurt as much.

i love you Ana.
i think only now u understand how much i meant it.
i cant believe i revealed this to you.
i'm really sorry for making you feel bad.
i sincerely go down on bended knees to apologize.

i hinted, but u never got my drift.
i'm sorry baby.
really sorry.
i'm such a pussy.
sigh.

.

ignorance is bliss.

nothing is transparent anymore.
everything seems so secretive.
i don't know all your friends.
you wont allow me to check on you but you check on me.
i don't know who you are entertaining.
i don't know who you are ignoring.
nothing is transparent anymore.

Why?
Only you know.

I no longer want to be a softie.
You are dominating this relationship.
1 wrong move i make and you threaten me with so many things.
it is so unsure what you really want from me.

ALL THIS HAVE NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
You've really changed.
I see it now.


Don't take advantage of me.

.

and after all i've been doing to win her back, she's still entertaining those guys. she still ignores my needs. does anyone even care about how i feel nowadays? sigh.

i thought you'd changed for me.

Tinik's Engagement.

well, it was as usual. relatives and all. exchangin of gifts. and the hantaran. 10K! haha.
nenek cakap, Kusmangat.
Manis!
hahaha!
Anyway, i have decided on my own that i will offer $11,111.11 for my sayang. She's worth every penny. and i can afford it. so lets work towards that honey. kalau tunang, macam mane nak letak eh tu amount? haha.

oh ya, she was one of the MANY camerawomen there today. she took over 300 pictures. can you believe that? she loves taking pictures that much. she even had to get her batteries changed cos there were so many pictures to be taken. haha. so cute my sayang. obviously you love that camera so much my dear. i'm sure you will be busy transferring the pics to the pc while ur reading this entry. haha. Im very VERY sure. =p

took many pics today. but during atik's engagement i only had 1 pic taken. hehe. ate alot. prolly explainin y i look so bloated in those pics. haha.

our turn in 2 weeks? hehehehe..

The pressure is on. Can we pull it off?

Duh! =)

4th Year Anniversary.

Just Us. 01/11/08. The 4th Year.

This was one of the best times i had since a long time ago. We had so much fun though time was short-lived and we spent each of our precious moments together happily.

I almost teared while reading that small card she gave me. It was so sweet honey. Awwww.. i love you. She got me a funky looking ring and i kinda like it. It would have been better if the ring has nothing moving. Haha. She also got me like this "paper rose" formed into a heart. I dont really know how to explain it here but it was really beautiful. =)

Thanks alot honey. I really appreciate what you have done for me. I noe ur finance is very tight. So getting me those things were really enough to melt me dear. From the bottom of my heart, its true.

So please dont keep saying that you feel bad or whatsoever ok cos items can be bought but u can only win a heart over. No amount of money can give you that.

Its just good enough to know that you still love me the way you said you do.

Btw, you look really gorgeous in that dress today honey. I knew you would look good in it. Haha. You're so beautiful today. And i can see how happy you were after receiving that camera. You got really "jakon" with it. Haha. So darn cute!! After getting it, u looked really amazed and happy and hugged me straight away. Awwww.. I needed that. Thanks dear. I hope you will enjoy the camera as much as i have enjoyed seeing you happy today.
I love you baby. =-*

I fell for you once again. Only this time, i fell harder.