loving at last..

i feel so much better now. lets settle our differences ok sayang? lets work this out for the better together. i hope it will all end quickly my dear. call me dear from now on ok? i will call u dear too. lets show much more affection for each other than before. n give me back everything you took away from me dear. i really need them. =( i miss them so much.

i love you sayang.

if i could make a tattoo (which i cant) i would have engraved your name on my chest.

i already have that inscribed within my heart. i hope you can see it thru me.

i love you.

why dear..

i'm so lost.
lost at why she is actually depressed and all when she says its nothing of a major issue.
i'm worried.
extremely worried.
i love her with all my heart.
what did i do to deserve this?
she can think for herself.
i am not giving her time.
if i do, she will feel more lonely and it will give room to bigger problems.
i'm sorry if i have hurt you.
i dont know what is your agenda.
please hang on to this rocky ship if you still love me.

i hope you still love me like you said you do as if it was just yesterday that we got together.
I LOVE YOU.

Someone pls kill me..

its just such a wonder how there are people who would care for "others",
despite "others" not really caring for them.
I dont even get my share though i care.
maybe i shouldn't care?

The world is really cruel.

No point turning to "him" only when you start to have problems.
Its not sincere.
It should have been from the start.
Only with the purest of heart.
Not just because you need to feel better.

"He" is not a "last resort".
He is the FINAL COUNTDOWN.

So dont preach to me.
You know my capabilities and knowledge.

Me going mad is just like you.
Going thru another "phase" of whatever the fuck they call it cos i really dunno wad it is.
only difference is, i dont mind telling it to you.
you instead, have things against that.

and you dont need to apologise for making me hurt.
i started all of it.
i'm always the bad guy.

i was feeling sad, low, depressed, down, shagged and in total unrest yesterday.
accompanied by the stresses i have and all this madness overcoming my mind.
you can see it too. just look at my face yesterday and tell me what you saw?
has anyone seen Ashraf in that state?

your sister in law saw it first.
it was that clear.
i was putting a mask on when i saw her but she still saw me through the mask.
and today is no different.
i feel so giddy, restless and confused.
wad is it that you really want from me?
i just cant get anything out of you anymore.

today is the 3rd day of my sleepless nights streak.
i cant speak properly.
when i type this line, i have taken almost an hour to write this post.
i type, letter by letter carefully.
just like an idiot.

but i dont care.
i have to heave all these feelings somewhere.
and since nobody cares anyway, better to write in a blog,
cos i know for sure a blog doesnt understand so i cant blame it.

i'm mumbling terribly when i speak.
my brain is really drained.

so are my emotions.


If anyone out there hates me in any way,
be it a long time ago or after reading such an emotional blog,
do send me an email at fossil_ashburn@hotmail.com.
i'll give you my address so you can kill me.
cos i'm too tired of living in a dream.
i cant face reality.

I HAVE BECOME A VERY WEAK PUSSY.

yes. i've said it. and i meant that with all my heart.
and i still cant sleep now.
neither can i rest.
my eyes are in such pain, i just feel like plucking them out and throwing them away.

pain from not sleeping and pain from what i'm seeing all around me.
everything is just so very painful.

Ya Allah, Yang maha pengampun dan maha pengasih, i have sinned.
but i wont turn to you just because i need your help to get me through this.
I have forgotten about you for very long and i'm very sorry.
But i will be back once i'm ready for you.
Hambamu ini yang bodoh and nakal telah banyak berdosa terhadapmu Ya Allah.
Tetapi, jikalau hambamu ini tidak mempunyai iman yang sekuatnya seperti dahulu,
tidak mungkin setiap doa' atau fardhu solat yang ditunaikan olehnya boleh menjadi sah di atas mata kamu Ya Allah.
Sebaik-baiknya, hambamu ini harus memperbaiki dirinya sebelum menjumpai kamu kerana hambamu ini hanya akan menyembahmu dengan cara yang tulus ikhlas dan dengan keseluruhan yang bersih.
jikalau sifat hambamu itu kotor, menjijikkan dan sikapnya tidak akan berubah, tiada gunanya Ya Allah.
Kamu yang telah menciptakan kita dengan sungguh rapi.
jadi, dengan seadanya, kami harus pulang kepadamu dengan cara yang cukup tulen dah bersih.
Hambamu ini akan pulang kepadamu bila masanya sudah tepat.
Hanya kaulah yang tahu masanya tersebut kerana kamu Yang Maha Mengetahui dan Yang Maha Kuasa.
Akanku sujud semula.
Insya'Allah.

i dont know what else to say. if you read this and if you think that i'm wrong then go ahead and scold me or do whatever it is that you want. but whatever i'm saying is my principle.
Do not USE "Him".
APPRECIATE "Him".

its that simple.
cos he created us.

Someone pls kill me.. sigh...
i'm really sick and tired of all this.
i feel like smashing everything i see here onto my head and into oblivion.

i still love you.
my love for you is the only thing that keeps me standing now.
but its the same thing that is killing me slowly.

This is MY Diminishing Soul.

Nobody has to care cos i cant be bothered anymore.
even the air i breathe in now is being selfish.
i'm gasping for breath every time i take one.
now please take me away........

Even the water from my eyes are running away from me now.
i cry n cry n cry n cry.
i tear n tear n tear n tear.
i hope it blinds me.
i seriously do.

i am so deprived of my wants and needs,
Just take everything else i have away.

Pics..

Remember this?



Remember where this was taken and how happy we were?

Memories or mistakes?
I'm counting petals because i really cant find the answer.

dtyerutrjsdt

I really Love you.
I really Miss you.
I feel so insecure.
I feel so threatened.
I dont know how you feel About me.

I feel so hopeless, helpless and worthless.
Wishing god will really take my life away.
I'm already dead as of now.
I'm a walking corpse.
Nobody loves me.
Everyone hates me.
Life ain't a bitch.
I am.

I'm seriously paranoid! God please take my life away for I have no more purpose left here.

I've indirectly lost the only thing i've ever loved.
The air that i use to breathe has been taken away from me.
My mind, body, heart and soul have all been drained out off their juices.
I have nothing more to give.

I have shed a million tears.
I have tried a million ways.
I have read a millions pages.
I have given a million things.

I gained . . . Nothing.

Exhausted I am.
Always speaking of things that would be disastrous to me.
I think very slowly now.
Every single thing that is directed at me, no matter how small, could bring tears to my eyes.
I'm writing with smallest fonts because i have lost all the confidence i used to have.
I'm not even confident in writing this.
I'm just writing everything out of my head.
No thinking done.
This is exactly how paranoid i am.
I'm crying again.
I'm such a loser.
I'm such an idiot.
I'm such a moron.
And i'm crying even more now.
If suicide was not Haram, i would have committed it.
Call me a wuss or a pussy.

Know what?
I DONT GIVE A FUCK!

HAHAHAHAHA!

Sigh.
Scary?
NO.
Just irrational thinking.
I'm so deprived of the things i love.
So much filled with problems.
Problems are brimming.
My happiness has not came.
And i'm sure it wont come in many years to come.

So I'll keep smoking myself to a point where it gets too dangerous.
Then i'll stop cold turkey.
It will then bring in even more problems.
After which i wont take my inhaler.
Then I'll just go.

I want to go.
Far far away...
Very very very far away...
So far, you will only see me when you meet HIM.

Call the doctors and show them how mad i am.
I have lost it totally.
My veins on my brains have all snapped.
I'm a mad man now.
Love me for who i am?
I guess not.

Nobody can love me the way i need them to.

I'm so lost without you.

This doen't exist anymore to you does it?
You are forcing yourself aren't you?

Its all my fault ever since the start.
I shouldn't have made you fall in love with me.
I'm not the kinda guy you're really looking for.
You're so hot, pretty, sweet and sexy, you deserve someone so god damn much better than me.
I'm just a useless assh*le trying too hard to please you.

I'm sorry.

Look for me if you're really bothered.
If deep within your heart, something is still holding you back,
then do not try to find me.
It will hurt me more than you try to please.

Seems like i'm the one who needs help now.

Dear god, please take my life away.
Amin.

My Last Wish.

I dont think i've done anything wrong, i'm in such wonder.
Why i'm still hanging on, being left to ponder.
About why i'm still here caring for her.
When she's not keen to share all her sad hours.

I'm her partner, or so she acknowledge.
But still i wonder why she causes so much damage.
To this heart that requires sincere loving.
She know's it too well but she's not keen on giving.

She wants to give up cos she thinks she cant do it.
Though after these few days, she has been so sweet.

Her stress is getting the best out of her but i dun understand.
Each time i try to dig it out, she just pretends.
That nothing is bottled inside, she's fine she said.
I'm getting too curious, its pounding in my head.

I'm worried for you honey, i'm really dumbfounded.
What is it that's disturbing you, i'm so disheartened.
To know that you wont share knowing that i'm always here.
Your secrets are always safe with me, when did i let anyone hear?

Or is it just because you dont trust me anymore.
After that stupid thing i did, you got sick to the core.
To know that i was foolish, dumb and cant score.
And now you cant help it, you find me a bore.

I'm so uncertain honey, what is it that you want?
I'm so lost without you, i dont understand why you cant,
Tell me what is it you're keeping from me.
Is it something that will change our destiny?

Give me a clue at least so i would know.
I dont want to be kept in the dark, please let it show.
Cos i love you so much and i care for you baby.
I dont want you to be hurt indefinitely.

Give it a try, i'm always here for you and you know it.
Please, i'm begging you, i'm feeling like shit.
How was i to care if you wont share?
Only thing you told me is you're depressed and in despair.

I'm worried for your well-being, you changed alot.
Just tell me your problems dear, give it a shot.
Since when was i absent when you needed me?
Each time you're in trouble, my presence you'll see.

So what is it now that you're holding back?
You have lost your feelings for me? is it that?
I sacrificed everything for you, cant you still see it?
I really cant tolerate anymore of this heat.

I know you're irritated by my constant pestering.
You even said that i'm forcing you into telling things.
You have never hung up on me but now you always do.
Do you think i like the feeling of getting hung up by you?

The one who is really stressed out now is noone but me.
Left lost in the dark with so much misery.
But i wont leave you like i did before, you mean too much to me.
Even though you changed and you dont treat me like how it used to be.

I dont mind all the stabbing you're shoving at my heart.
I'm emotionally drained, too soft to touch.
And it will stay the same or it'll get worse.
Cos the silence brought to me looks more like a curse.

Bestow your attention to what is happening here.
We really need TRUST, in your heart, that's unclear.
And i see it so well, you dont trust me anymore.
You might not even see what i'm being used here for.

I dont expect you to force yourself to tell me what's happening.
I just want you to appreciate everything i'm giving.
And if i'm making you more irritated with this i'm saying.
I'm sorry, but i just had to exert what i mean.

Please trust me dear, i've never disappointed your faith ever.
It shouldn't have been this way, never.
Trust me with your heart, trust me with your soul.
Please allow for the truth to be told.

Your secrets will never be sold.
Even to my closest friends i've never been that bold.
To disclose our matter, how small the issue.
I dont expect anyone to hand me a tissue.

I just need you to need me, its all i ask.
My eyes are filled with tears, enough for a flask.
And if you still wont disclose the matter, i wont ask further.
I'll just take all the beatings quietly and suffer.

You will probably enjoy it as much as others would.
Cos you will see how incompetent i have stood.
There are so many better guys out there waiting for us to stumble.
So they could shoot my head straight down with a rifle.

I know i'm in a losing battle but i dont care.
As long as you're happy, i'll always share.
My happiness belongs to you, you know that dont you?
If you're stressed like you said, i'll feel the blue.

Please let me rest my tortured soul once and for all.
At least do it for me, cos i just feel so small.
I feel dead as of now, i'm so restless and helpless.
I'm letting earth be my friend and god as my witness.

I'm really lost of words to say, i've said enough.
This time we're going through is really really rough.
But what ever it is, i want to let you noe that its true.
That i meant it, each time i professed, I Love You.

Sigh.

Love knows no boundaries and is really blind. I'm blinded both emotionally and physically. Dont even talk about boundaries. I'm just bounded by my blindness.

I'm blind. Not deaf.
Till the day someone shows me the way, I'll just keep listening.

Almost at ease

Went to see her again yesterday night. As usual, went over to Sengkang at around 11.30pm. Fetched her from the basement cos it was raining and I didn’t want her to get sick. She came in this green sweater that I probably have seen a long time ago or just plainly forgotten about, and some “ah-lian” jeans.. Haha.

She was so cute.

She knew I was coming to deliver her a phone cos her’s is giving her the PMSes when she doesn’t have one. She got into the car and we went to Shell. Its like a routine to drop by any oil refill stations to grab some stuff in their kiosks. On the way there, she was already excited about the phone. I told her it was in the back seat and she snatched it from its rest and got so excited about it. Haha. So cheeky! After getting out, I was pondering on what to buy. She reached out for my hand before we grabbed a bottle of lemon tea, some brownies and nachos with extra cheese. How Sweet she was. I bought my dad a glass cleaner that repels rain when he drives for his safety (I’m a thoughtful and filial son).

Anyway, grabbed those things and went to sit somewhere while in the car since it was raining so heavily, we were lazy to get out of the ride. So we sat and before anything happened, she started munching at those nachos.

Banyak nye you dah kenyang eh. Grr.. Haha.

After a few crackers, she gave up eating and focused her fullest attention to the phone’s functions to get used to it. Seems to me, she really loves it. I hope you do dear.

Later in the car, it was as usual, the teasing and all. So we were “wrestling” yet again and managed to pull off quite a few good laughs. I tickled her half to death. Sorry dear. Haha. Then she got tired and rested her head on my chest. Later, she looked up at me like a cute cat, with eyes gleaming with the glow of the moon as if she was flirting and gave me a random kiss on my neck. How much happier can a man get? She even licked her teeth like she used to. Awww.

I played her game and we sat closely together for half an hour or so. It was the best half an hour of my life. Ya. Pathetic. But shut up. People tend to behave weirdly when in love. So let me have my fair share of the cake numbskulls cos you had yours. We kissed a long passionate kiss before heading off to send her back home.

It was short-lived dear but it was meaningful. We’re getting back on track even better than before. Its like we’re starting anew. I love this feeling. I hope you love every bit of it too. Now, that you have started leading us on too, we shall both be equally satisfied with each other. No more quarrels after heading off for home like it always recurred. Lets keep this up honey. Less than 2 months to our 4th year anniversary. Lets hope it’ll all be worth the effort ok? I’m so excited just thinking about it. And i’ll abide by the promise i made to you. So diligently.

Hold my hand and never let go honey.
We’ll last an eternity.

Precious thoughts

No no no. not those gifts. but a gift for the heart.
Picked her up from home at 1130pm yesterday and headed for my hidden agenda.

Spent such a wonderful time together yesterday. bought her Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and Ferrero Rocher chocolates.
We spent a little time at such a beautiful place before moving off to Punggol End. There, we teased each other and had really good laughs. All the tickling, “wrestling” and the kissing. Had my fair share of hugs too.

After that, we went on to Sahur at Rivervale Plaza. Had mac for our gobbles. Sent her to her doorstep at 3am. Had serious fun. Though we din talk about our problems, we felt like a real couple yesterday after all this while. I felt real good.

Probably, i’ll just let all the problems, issues and confusions rest. We should just spend time like this more often to bring us closer. Then everything will go back to its normal route. I’m very certain about it. Only one thing dear, dun keep expecting me to lead us on. Please lead on too. Let me feel just how you feel when i do things for you.

Reach out for my hand to hold when we walk.
Hug me from the back like i always hugged you.
Flirt with me, the way you used to.
Give me kisses from nowhere to grab my attention.
Stroke my hair gently when we talk.
Whisper into my ears just to seduce me.
Lick your teeth like you did before.
Lie your head on my chest instead of the chair when you’re tired.
And just sit very closely to me.

Consider these suggestions my dear. I’ll play my part too. Soon enough, we’ll get back on track.

I promise you.

Fill Me In..

Love is a four letter word with a million meanings..
The means to satisfy or get hurt, just my instincts..
But why do we fall in love when the outcome is unsure?
Is it because its our ulterior goal while we are here?

Falling in love comes only with a big price..
You don’t see it from the outlook but through the eyes..
Try to make one happy but she’s never satisfied..
Keep pushing it and you’ll annoy her, now put that aside..

I’ll talk about my past experience after such long years..
The days we laughed and now the days in tears..
I’m not an emo, i’m just sharing my thoughts..
Cos we’re still together, but many things to be sought..

We Know its time that pulled us astray..
But i’m sure that there is another way..
We know its time that caused us so much damage..
So why depend on time to wrap the cracks of the heart with a bandage?

All we need to do is sit down and talk..
We know we kept trying but we’re still limping in the walk.
But quitting is for losers, i’m not giving up..
You’re not like any other girl that i can meet in the clubs.

I said time is to blame and its not us..
We don’t like being controlled cos we have trust..
Just look at how happy we were in our past pictures..
I’m sure you wanna relive that, we’re in need of fixtures..

But refusal is a devil in this game..
Give in to it and we fail, don’t support the flame..
Now we’re down in shambles, neglect is criminal..
Both neglecting equally, adding to so much trouble..

46 months of dying passion, eroding day by day..
What is it that i did? I only hoped and pray..
I’m sure i’ve pampered, too much even..
You see it too, and I don’t expect anything in return..

I just want to be loved, is that too much?
Why not you weigh it proper and be the judge..

I tried to move on but its just too hard..
Barely a week of ignorance and i felt the thud..
I went to do something foolish and now i’m confused..
“Still thinking” she said, I feel so used..

Now i’m islanded, deserted, hoping for a miracle..
I don’t know what is happy anymore, i just met miserable..
Never did it come across that it’ll end up this way..
Feelings unsure mutual, only words can say..

I long for a simple hug now, I need it so dear..
I feel so cold now, making it worse is this tear..
And sometimes I wish that i was dead..
So I don’t need to ponder about shiny days ahead..

I’m so lost in this immense jungle filled with emotions..
Its so dark and scary, no light to show me directions..
Its like those courtship days, only that now i’m caught..
In a struggle for survival, so hard i fought..

Is this a losing battle? I’m really worried..
So much weight on my shoulders I have carried..
The fruit of our labour happen to be beautiful..
Burnana was once carried as such a symbol..

I’m not complaining now, I want to make it work again..
Please give us a chance and things will change..
We have been through so much, inside and out..
We’re so comfortable with each other, this I say proud..

More happiness than sadness weighed on so much memories..
Only thing holding us back is all the gantries..
We have to pass through it all together..
side by side, hand in hand, right next to each other..

We can work things out, i’m sure my dear..
Its really not that hard, to get it over..
I don’t trust many much, you know how far that’s true..
But from deep within your heart, you know how much I trust you..

I love you.

So much.

Blogging

Well, i’m not trying to be a wuss or anything but i think that letting my frustrations, feelings, thoughts or other unnecessary emotions and stuff on a blog would be somehow “calming” for me. i’ll start writing entries real soon. just wait for it..

Sigh.