Someone pls kill me..

its just such a wonder how there are people who would care for "others",
despite "others" not really caring for them.
I dont even get my share though i care.
maybe i shouldn't care?

The world is really cruel.

No point turning to "him" only when you start to have problems.
Its not sincere.
It should have been from the start.
Only with the purest of heart.
Not just because you need to feel better.

"He" is not a "last resort".
He is the FINAL COUNTDOWN.

So dont preach to me.
You know my capabilities and knowledge.

Me going mad is just like you.
Going thru another "phase" of whatever the fuck they call it cos i really dunno wad it is.
only difference is, i dont mind telling it to you.
you instead, have things against that.

and you dont need to apologise for making me hurt.
i started all of it.
i'm always the bad guy.

i was feeling sad, low, depressed, down, shagged and in total unrest yesterday.
accompanied by the stresses i have and all this madness overcoming my mind.
you can see it too. just look at my face yesterday and tell me what you saw?
has anyone seen Ashraf in that state?

your sister in law saw it first.
it was that clear.
i was putting a mask on when i saw her but she still saw me through the mask.
and today is no different.
i feel so giddy, restless and confused.
wad is it that you really want from me?
i just cant get anything out of you anymore.

today is the 3rd day of my sleepless nights streak.
i cant speak properly.
when i type this line, i have taken almost an hour to write this post.
i type, letter by letter carefully.
just like an idiot.

but i dont care.
i have to heave all these feelings somewhere.
and since nobody cares anyway, better to write in a blog,
cos i know for sure a blog doesnt understand so i cant blame it.

i'm mumbling terribly when i speak.
my brain is really drained.

so are my emotions.


If anyone out there hates me in any way,
be it a long time ago or after reading such an emotional blog,
do send me an email at fossil_ashburn@hotmail.com.
i'll give you my address so you can kill me.
cos i'm too tired of living in a dream.
i cant face reality.

I HAVE BECOME A VERY WEAK PUSSY.

yes. i've said it. and i meant that with all my heart.
and i still cant sleep now.
neither can i rest.
my eyes are in such pain, i just feel like plucking them out and throwing them away.

pain from not sleeping and pain from what i'm seeing all around me.
everything is just so very painful.

Ya Allah, Yang maha pengampun dan maha pengasih, i have sinned.
but i wont turn to you just because i need your help to get me through this.
I have forgotten about you for very long and i'm very sorry.
But i will be back once i'm ready for you.
Hambamu ini yang bodoh and nakal telah banyak berdosa terhadapmu Ya Allah.
Tetapi, jikalau hambamu ini tidak mempunyai iman yang sekuatnya seperti dahulu,
tidak mungkin setiap doa' atau fardhu solat yang ditunaikan olehnya boleh menjadi sah di atas mata kamu Ya Allah.
Sebaik-baiknya, hambamu ini harus memperbaiki dirinya sebelum menjumpai kamu kerana hambamu ini hanya akan menyembahmu dengan cara yang tulus ikhlas dan dengan keseluruhan yang bersih.
jikalau sifat hambamu itu kotor, menjijikkan dan sikapnya tidak akan berubah, tiada gunanya Ya Allah.
Kamu yang telah menciptakan kita dengan sungguh rapi.
jadi, dengan seadanya, kami harus pulang kepadamu dengan cara yang cukup tulen dah bersih.
Hambamu ini akan pulang kepadamu bila masanya sudah tepat.
Hanya kaulah yang tahu masanya tersebut kerana kamu Yang Maha Mengetahui dan Yang Maha Kuasa.
Akanku sujud semula.
Insya'Allah.

i dont know what else to say. if you read this and if you think that i'm wrong then go ahead and scold me or do whatever it is that you want. but whatever i'm saying is my principle.
Do not USE "Him".
APPRECIATE "Him".

its that simple.
cos he created us.

Someone pls kill me.. sigh...
i'm really sick and tired of all this.
i feel like smashing everything i see here onto my head and into oblivion.

i still love you.
my love for you is the only thing that keeps me standing now.
but its the same thing that is killing me slowly.

This is MY Diminishing Soul.

Nobody has to care cos i cant be bothered anymore.
even the air i breathe in now is being selfish.
i'm gasping for breath every time i take one.
now please take me away........

Even the water from my eyes are running away from me now.
i cry n cry n cry n cry.
i tear n tear n tear n tear.
i hope it blinds me.
i seriously do.

i am so deprived of my wants and needs,
Just take everything else i have away.