God, Help me.

Problems after problems.
when is all this shit gonna stop?
This is such a landslide.
An avalanche rather.

i need you.

why?

i hate it when she entertains other guys. she never did it before. so why must she do it now? i dont mind her making friends with guys and all online. but when it gets really personal to the extent of calling her and smsing her, i do not like it. it has always been like that. have you like forgotten everything about my traits or wad? please put a stop to all this. i noe u are bored at home alone every nite. but u still have me. though i cant afford to call u everyday, i do make an effort to contact u all the time. there is no reason why you should fall back on other guys to entertain u. you are not a 1-man audience for everyone to entertain u. all you need is me. i feel so insecure each time u chat with other guys. its as though i have no value to u.

i feel cheap.

Nee Soon Camp Performance

today's performance was well done. many applauded and many came up to me and jab to show their support and say stuff like, "you guys practiced alot huh?" da thing is, we always dun practice. hehe. oops. anyway, we did 2 tracks. Shake it Off and Show Off part 1. was really great. met many people and i got a rough idea of how camp life was going to be like. i feel prepared for it. hehe. they seem so united together. after the performances, we received a plague by Supply Unit from the army. damn it man! feel so honoured. a government body awarding us with a plague. woo hoo! i bet no other hiphop kid has gotten this. also, we each received a personal certificate of gratitude by the army. i really dont regret working with G-Star (Bob). oh ya, the food there was really superb too. feel kinda sad for not being able to go for a second round of food as time was short. it was really that great!

after the event, we sat down at bedok mac with Bob's fren, Kamal. he is a videographer for MediaCorp. and he loved our show a whole lot. he said he is going to offer his service for us each time we perform and all he ask for is transport money. he is also going to be working on our music video scheduled for release next year. also, we might be getting the opportunity to perform at Sentosa for the countdown next year. really hoping for it to happen. Foam Party! =p

kept thinkin of her when i was at the camp. she must be tired cos she has been running around in my mind alot. hehe. kept thinkin of how it was goin to be like when she's far away from me for the 1st 3 months of my ns life. sigh.. i'm really gonna miss her. =(

another 10 hours of cso tomorrow. then i'm down to 14 hours. another 10 on sunday then i'm down to 4. will cover that 4 hours in 2 week's time. really hoping for her to be around this sunday. at least she will be able to see how tortured i am inside by these supervisors.

i miss you dear. i need your hugs. =(

My cute little old friend.

ash: nama uncle siapa?
rushdi: rushdi.
ash: umur brape?
rushdi: 14.
ash: da lama kat Jamiyah ni?
rushdi: da seminggu. Abg dah makan?
ash: dah. rushdi da makan?
rushdi: dah.
ash: sedap?
rushdi: sedap!
ash: kenyang?
rushdi: kenyang..
ash: suke?
rushdi: suke!!
ash: social?
rushdi: social...
ash: rushdi tahu tak saya umur berapa?
rushdi: berapa?
ash: satu ratus, dua puluh lima tahun tau.
rushdi: kimak. tua nye.
ash: rushi tau tak dekni (pointing at dhan) umur brape?
rushdi: brape?
ash: dua ratus, lima puluh tahun tau..
rushdi: kimak... tua nye! tak tau mati pe??
ash and dhan: hahahaha.




i really like this uncle. he is at Jamiyah because he is mentally retarded since he was 14 years old. he has been in jamiyah for about 4 years and he is actually 38 years old. kesian dia. sigh.. he speaks in such a squeaky voice cos he thinks he is still 14 years old. such a cute little old man he is.

some other random pics are here. during my break time i took them.





24 hours of cso left. i'm really gonna miss these people. sigh. including the very annoying supervisors. met so many nice peaople here. so many friends. sigh. i will visit Jamiyah as and when i'm free. hope my dear will come along too. you will really like this place sayang. plenty of old folks. hehe. cute ones too. =p

cant wait for our 4th year anniversary. probably we can find our "spice" back as its a very special day for us. i miss you honey.

.

who the fuck is bobcat?! and why is he/she stalking us?! and why the fuck is rino always intruding in her page?! with such comments?! mother fucker!! if i get to know who this rino is, i swear he wont remember his name!

.

did my cso today for another 6 hours despite my asthma, flu and fever. got home and went to fetch her to cut hair together at compassvale point. she looked so cute. hmmm. then went to kfc and had some munchies. then went to this weighing machine that costed a buck. it described her ht n wt. whats more is that it said, "pay more attention to your partner's feelings". after which we headed over to her house. she was really such a different person. not so much of the one i knew. she's more bubbly and loud. so unlikely of her to behave in that way. wanted to take the last bus home but felt lazy and felt like spending time wit her. after chatting with her bro and sis, she called me into the room to take a look at pics of her hari raya outings and all. coincidentally, i saw this msn window from lina, she was asking yana, "missing who?". that got me thinking if it was really me. sigh. den went out again to watch tv cos she told me to go out of the room. ended up wit her being busy with the net and leaving me all alone wit her bro. shortly after, she wanted to slp and told me to take the first bus home. she even asked me to get her bro to help wit da locking of the door. obviously she din pay any attention to the receipt from the weighing machine. now that i've gotten home via cab, i visited her blog. still no mention about me what more an entry.

sigh.

i feel single.
i feel so unwanted.

she doesnt care anymore.

sigh...

how busy can one get? sigh..

the engagement.

well, today did a hectic 5 1/2 hours cso before heading off to her house for Atik and Sham's engagement. everything went well. Alhamdullillah. Met Naen for the first time and spoke about ns, school, smoking, work and other nonsense for just a short while. then mingled around with her uncles.

apparently, plenty kept asking about my plans with her. substantiating my find are these below:

1) Abg: bila kau nye turn?
2) Naen: Any plans yet?
3) Pak Ali: Bila nak masuk minang? Ana sorang yg belum diikat nanti bila Tinik dah lepas.
4) Eera's dad: Bila lagi nak tunggu? Tunang dgan Ana la cepat2.
5) Cik Roha: Bila Asrap nye turn?
6) Tinik: Bila nak tunang dgan Ana?
7) Eera: Bila kau nye turn? Tinggal Ana sorang. confirm smue ckp nye.
8) Abg's fren with the curly haired chubby daughter: So 2 minggu lepas Tinik kau nye turn?
9) Mak: Tinggal Ana sorang. ye tak Asrap?
10) Nenek: Asrap tak nak tunang sekali? Kesian dia.

My answer: Tengok la kalau ada yang sudi.

Sigh. i dont know if i should be envious, prepared, dumbfounded or worried. But i'm more worried than the rest. Seems like everyone's hoping for it to happen or at least they see something great happening to us. its like the great anticipation. its like waiting for your most wanted movie? or a present? you know that excitement engulfing your body? sigh.

i really pray that it would happen one day. not to get engagement but marrying straight. save more money, effort and time. wishing upon that star.

getting this damn flu really makes my day worse. fucking irritating flu. sure to be down with fever by tomorrow. and there goes my cso time schedule. but i dont care. will finish it even if it kills me. sick and tired at the thought of it.

been lacking her attention these few days. she's been really too busy for me. and tomorrow she's out with her poly frens for a hari raya outing. After which,

3rd week oct

ash: doing cso.
ana: taking care of granny at bedok.

4th week oct

ash: working.
ana: preparing for Tinik's engagement.

1st Nov 2008

a very short outing cos ana has to prepare for tinik's engagement on the 2nd of Nov.

then ana has a continued short school break and she's off to prcp while i work. wad the hell is happening to us? God have mercy. i miss her so much. sigh.

where's my attention from her?

=(

time.

why is time so cruel?
why cant you give in to us to be together?
why cant you slow down at times it was best?
why cant you speed it up at times we needed it most?
why are you so selfish?
why do you even exist??

sigh.

everything is time.
Time is really essence.

120 hours of cso-time.
fixing things-time.
ending of probation-time.
waiting for ns-time.
marking the end of ns-time.
marriage-time.
money-time.

such an irritant nobody can avoid.

if only the "Father of All Time" existed.

IF only.

i still miss her so much. everyday it gets worse. maybe cos i am still too demanding for her attention. or maybe she is just not paying enough attention. i dont know. dont wanna think or say much. the comment she gave me in friendster really made my day. but its still not enough attention that i needed. i need it like way back in the days. it would just help to make this a more beautiful one. and seems that now she is not influenced or moved by anyone anymore. i like that. she really wants this. i really want it too. but time is still putting a real strain on our necks. sigh.

how i wish that i could turn back the hands of time.
and when it was at its best, i'll fast forward it to our marriage.

50 hours of cso left. 5 hours to do tomorrow and 5 more on sunday. and when there's 40 left, it'll be 8 hours a day for 5 days or 10 hours a day for 4 days. performance on fri next week at army camp. i'm so dead tired. wishing someone could really give me a good massage and make my day. flu is back. bloody running nose. sigh. always get sick from overworking. why cant i just be like others with powerful immune systems? so unfair. wake up every morning with sinnus (not sure how to spell this). sigh..

she still din get back to me about tar removal and airway cleaning. i wanna stop smoking la. help me find out pls. =(

time goes by, so slowly..
and i, can only do so much..
you are still mine..

i dont care. haha. i changed the lyrics.. hehe. =P

i miss you darling. sigh..
see you tomorrow after my cso.

hopefully i wont get too tired.
my knees are asking me for sympathy.
been too hard on my legs lately. hmmm.

.

dont take my "easing" for your own complacency dear.
i still needs those things that you took away back.

especially attention.

I'm just giving you plenty of time to take things slow to set it back on track. We are meant to be. so please do this with all the effort you can give ok?

i trust you my love.

solitude.

my mind is heading for its ease.
i feel almost stressless.
i dont know why.
i just feel like i'm in such ease.
things are falling back in place nicely and slowly.
the bricks are strong dear.
and its working.
its really working.
its starting to show.
i hope you feel the same too dear.
we work for each other's happiness k?
together, we shall prove the hypocrites wrong.

we have the support from our closest ones. you may not feel it but i already know who they are. you will be able to see it soon. some people you will least expect. they wanna see us together till ever. so lets not disappoint them and each other ok?

i feel so excited to spend time with you on our 4th year anniversary. although it wont be such a grand day though its such a memorable day (cos i'm dead broke hehe!), i'm sure you will love the present i'm giving you. i cant wait to hand it over to you. neither can i wait for your home cooked food! yum yum! its always nice to look forward to my future wife's own cooking. hehe.

looking high and low for the remaining pieces of our fallen bricks.
i know they are around somewhere. =)

jealousy.

people are just jealous and envious of our 4 year relationship dear. dont listen to them. what matters most is that we still need and want each other. lets keep working on this and shunt all those who might wanna break us up ok? we live for each other. that comment by Bro N just pisses me off. how can people keep saying you're young and still learning? do they think you're stupid or something? learning is a journey of life. nobody should comment on anyone saying that they are still learning and stuff cos they themselves do not know what is best for them. and in this case, its to just mind their own business. yes its true that you have to follow your heart and that nobody can force you into anything. but we jolly well noe that we want each other and its what our heart says. contradicting to this is that "we live for today". nobody lives for today. everyone lives for tomorrow cos only by living for tomorrow, u can learn from your mistakes today. what sorta comment was that given seh? absolutely nonsensical. sigh. forget them. we work for us ok? ignore all these hypocrites. hmmm.

today..

i really appreciated today's talk with her. after some settling down, we got down to our issue. and after giving it a thought, this is what i have finally discovered. well, we are still deeply in love with each other. the toughness of this is just that she's very busy with school and family while i'm busy with my cso and work. we hardly have time for each other.

besides that, she finds it tough to find time for us cos all the things pulling her back from doing so are of much more relevant importance. so she is not ignoring me or neglecting me. its just that she has other responsibilities and wants to do. and she is always drawing back from doing things with me cos i keep making her feel so insecure. its as though as i'm always threatening to leave her.

on my side, i'm just too demanding and pushy. i dont trust her as much as i do before. plus i always have negative thoughts about things that are going to happen to this beautiful relationship. it pushes me further to "threaten" her that i'm leaving her thus making her feel more insecure.

now i understand dear. our meet today was so worthwhile. i think somehow God pitied us and saw how much we want each other and allowed us to meet so we could see what is really the problem. so, there is actually no problem with us.

i will stop being too demanding ok dear? plus i will not say things or do things that will cause you to feel insecure anymore ok sayang? i promise. neither will i have negative thoughts about you anymore. i will trust you to the fullest. you just have to trust me now cos its so hard to work on this without trust that has been built and achieved for four years. and on your side, try to squeeze in some time at least for me? an hour or so like what we had today will do. better still, reserve your sundays for us. we could spend a whole lot of precious time together.

we have built an empire dear. there are so many jealous people out there who envies our relationship and wants to break us up. you can see it for yourself. lets prove them wrong and show them that we are meant for each other k? lets show them what our love is really made of. it would really be romantic and nice to know that we have risen from the ashes and back strong again even after bearing children and all in the near future. i would really love to see it happen. imagine when we are there and we reflect back to what we have gone through all this while. how nice right? dont you feel the same way too? i know you do.

from now on, we shall not think about leaving each other. we shall just concentrate on building back the fallen towers of our broken empire. our empire has stood strong against strong winds and other hazards dear. lets just put back the bricks slowly and paint it back to its orginal colour to sustain its beauty ok? i love you dear.. so so much its undescribable to put in words. only the depth of my eyes and heart intertwined with my kisses for you can give you just a rough idea of how much it is. i can feel it in you too.

we just have a certain connection with each other. too strong that its really tough for both parties to let go. u made me melt in your arms just now when you said that you kept thinking of letting this go but there is just this certain "something" that pulls you back from allowing it to come over you. Awwww..

i love you sayang.

We'll be married in no time. I'll pray that the time will come quickly cos something tells me that it definitely will come. only time could tell when.

Nothing's gonna break us up. Period.

This bond we share is stronger than anything.
Together we'll build something more beautiful than the Taj Mahal.

I'm sorry for causing you all the sorrows and grievious hurt. they were not supposed to happen in the first place now that i understand the situation we're both in. Forgive me darling. I swear not to be foolish again. Forgive me.

You will never lose me again. This i promise you.

As i expected.

just when i asked her to surprise me, i knew she was going to do nothing about it.
and luckily i din set my hopes up high cos she disappointed me again. sigh.

this is seriously going nowhere.

the border is getting thinner.
the ice is cracking.
the lines are breaking.

i'm very close to doing "it" again.
i guess its much better that way.
not for those who care for me, but at least for once in my life, i thought about myself than anyone else.

bring me back to you dear......................................God.
i am suffering as the days go by.
i'd rather suffer under your torture cos at least i deserved it.

.

i dont understand what is so hard for her to change.
i dont understand why she doesn't have that drive.
i dont understand why she wants to work this out when she's not trying enough.
i dont understand why she says she cares about me.

caring about me when i'm suicidal is not caring. its just that she feels bad cos she's the cause of it. caring means understanding my needs. she has not understood that at all. if she were to really care about me, she would have given a thought to why i'm always looking for her, missing her and being such an emo these days.

she shows no interest.

others come way ahead in line and i have to wait behind a really fucking long queue just to be able to spend like an hour with her. we used to spend like 3 hours the least with each other. now, an hour is such a tire for her.

never will she give in to me for anything.

and when i'm missing from her view, she'll come looking with things like "i'm sorry for being mean and neglecting you.." and all those stuff.
what? i'm her shirt or something? she uses me to comfort her but when i'm used, she can just chuck me aside for all she cares?

i really dont understand her. i can show you proof of girls contacting me. they call me like irritating pests. yet i'm still not keeping my options open.

Ya Allah. what the hell is wrong with me? why am i still hanging on to someone who does not love me the way she used to? she knows we're going through tough times yet she neglects me. and when i'm emo, she'll say i'm naggy. when i ask her to change, she says its tough but the fact of the matter is that she refuses to.

what the hell is wrong with her? you really want to know if you're really being that bad? yes you are. how could you ask me to go jalan raya with you to Pak Ali's house when you know that i wanna spend time with you alone? cant you see this?? i want time for us. not time with others but when we're together.
it does not work!

i read her blog dating back to really old posts. and i cried again. she was really such a dear to me. she talks about me almost all the time and they have never been bad comments. now, only problems and more problems.

cant she see that the problem here lies with her and not me?? and cant she see that she's the one who needs to change and not me??

and she doesn't want to break this up.
fine.
then why torture me like this? when i say i feel like trash, you cant accept it. but you jolly well put yourself in my shoes and see how bad you are torturing me.. my eyes are going blind from all these intense crying. if i dont get to see the world one day if she's not with me, i dont care. cos it wont hurt as much as seeing her being happy with another man.

i am still hoping for a miracle. let me die. i dont deserve all this.
unless there is a drastic change in her attitude towards us, i want to die. cos she never seem to mean everything she said. contradicting to everything she says all the time.

she says: i love you.
she says: i miss you.
she says: i care for you.
she says: i dont want to break this up.
she says: i treasure these 4 years.
she says: i need you.
she says: i will change.
she says: i will go crazy if you left me one day.
she says: you are important to me.

but in my opinion,

1) she does not show affection.
2) she does not find me.
3) she does not hear me out nor understands me.
4) she kept saying she understands if i leave her.
5) she does not do wad she does as before.
6) she looks for others for help.
7) she says its hard to change.
8) when i left her for 5 days, she was normal throughout.
9) she neglects me.

contradicting?
not to her.
i dont know what to do or believe now.

we can have such a passionate kiss on one day, and the next, she totally shrugs me off. this week, the only thing i asked of her was to come over to my place to chill. and she said she'll see how as usual. so concidentally, every other thing became more important than spending time with me. so for 3 days, i had to endure her reasons. and the thing goes like this.

1) asked her to come to my place one night and she said she'll see how. she ended up taking chicken from bedok for her mom. nevermind. pass that.
2) the very night after the "chicken incident" i asked her to come over again. she said see how. end up, she had to entertain her stepbro who was coming.
3) i know that she was going out with her frens on sat that was why i asked her to come over.

i got really really sad.

then she came to find out how sad i was to undergo this treatment and started sending loving messages and calling me on the phone and all. best thing is, she asked me out to her uncle's if we wanted to go out the next day. what an unreasonable option was that?

and the cream of the crop here is this. She jolly well knew that she forced me over to her place while i was having a fever to send her a dumb memory card reader. and me, being such a softie towards her, went over despite my temperature of 39.1 degrees.

all i asked for was to come to my place after her work and she was all well and healthy. love me? i dont understand. you do not sacrifice for me AT ALL.

now she says each time she reads my blog, she feels like she is being cruel. the fact of the matter here is this Yana. this is reality snapping its fingers at you. YOU ARE. not that i'm being mean or anything. but i'm telling you what i honestly feel. why not you let everyone read my posts and compare them to yours and ask them to judge who is being bad here? sigh.

i've stood my ground. now you surprise me. i'm not going to look for you high and low like the despo i was before. you want this to work, put your hand into it and clap with me. if not, you're just better off with that other guy. probably he can take all this. but i seriously dont think i deserve any single bit of this nonsense cos i have showered you with more than i can afford for myself. i dont even love myself now. its all you. and everyone says, "ash mane nak pikir yg lain. yana je.." and "abg you tau la ma. yana first, anything else dont matter to him..".

how nice those comments are. i've got loads more to write but i'm not going to waste anymore effort here cos i've put undescribable effort which to you instead, means that i'm being naggy and irritating.

so for that, i wont irritate you further. enjoy your day again today. hopefully you have some other plans cooked up for you instead cos i simply dont mean a crap to you. sigh. you go ahead and enjoy every single bit of your days ok while i stay confused, depressed, neglected and humiliated.

thanks alot for the memories you have given me cos each time i cry, i smile to each one of them.

sigh.

my frail heart.

i'm crying now. i'm crying all the time. my tears have all washed away. none is coming out. been days now since it shed any.

i know i'm strong.
i know i'm capable.
i know how to handle issues others simply cant with ease.
i solve people's problems.
i speak up to others.
others look up to me as a guide.
i path the journey of a never ending story for people all the time.

but in my relationship as of now,

i'm frail.
i dunno how capable i am anymore.
i cant handle any issue with ease.
i dunno how to solve my own problems.
i dunno how else to speak up.
i have nobody to look up to.
nobody is guiding me,
and my path has a lot of broken crevices.

i just read her blog. i think she's bottling something up still. probably plenty more. if she detonates the bomb earlier, it would be less painful for me. the bomb she defused recently was kept for 5 months. probably the moment i just received my probation. i dunno how long will all this take. my heart is finally stopping its pounding. i dont know what it means. im so unsure of what she wants and needs now. she still needs me she says. but i doubt so. cos,

1) she doesn't look for me like other girlfriends look for their boyfriends. sigh.
2) there's still no affection. sigh.
3) she prioritizes other things than me still. sigh.
4) she says its hard to change. sigh.
5) she requires time to change everything to where it was. sigh.
6) the fact of the matter is, there's nothing to change. its just natural and normal couple stuff. sigh.
7) she's influenced by other things but me. sigh.
8) she hardly comes over to meet my family. sigh.
9) she says she loves me but i don't see it. sigh.
10) i miss her so much but she only says she misses me to make me feel better. sigh.

so many sleepless nights. so many tears i've shed. my eyes cant shed tears anymore when i cry. its that bad. and all i get is the same boat rocking back and forth.

what is this that we're actually going through dear? can you just be honest with me so i can get over all of this? do not force feelings please.. sigh. it hurts more to know that its being forced than its really being given. save me from all this. you really make me think too much. i cant sleep cos i keep thinkin of a whole lot of nonsense. i cant do anything right cos i keep thinkin too. its suicidal thoughts. please save me from all these..

You're the only one who can make me this weak. i have never succumbed to anyone and that is for real. sigh. u make me shake to the end of my spine. i cant sleep again today. i have to force myself to sleep every single day.

everyone's pushing girl numbers to me. i get messages from girls asking me about my relationship and stuff. and i don't know who on earth they are. as of now, there are 4 girls randomly smsing me. not one have i entertained. so many numbers pushed to me. not one have i taken. i'm still hanging on for you to "change".

end of the day, i still wont be satisfied cos i have expectations set too high for you to give cos i know what you are capable of giving. i want Haryana Binte Zulkifli from back in 2004/2005. not the current infuenced version. its so hard to love this new version now. its not the same person i used to know and loved wholeheartedly.

people telling me to let go, but i'm still not listening. am i stupid or stubborn? sigh. i really dont know why i'm so emotional nowadays. if she works in IMH one day and sees me there, it will be painful for her. i'm better of dead.

i'm better of gone. hoping for a miracle to save this or to take me away. she'll be much happier.


sigh....

what is wrong with me..

"she still does not show you affection.
she is still not giving what she took away from you.
she is not giving in to you.
and now she is taking more things away from you.
you are still hanging on??
what are you an idiot??"

things ppl keep saying to me.

and after today and reading "it" again, i'm still not convinced.
is she really made for me?
is she really the one?
was it her i really saw in my dreams?

f: "why are you still here ash? why are you still here?"

a: "cos i love her so much man.."

f: "love is "sacrifice". if she aint sacrificing, she aint loving"

a: "sigh...."


she wants to work it out wit me. but i honestly dont see any effort.
thanking me back and forth for things i do is not the solution.
people thank me everyday. so get a clue.
i really wonder if my efforts are worth the while cos it seems like she dun really wan this.

maybe i really should stop hurting myself.
i just dont know how.

i gave her the chance.
i showed my affection.
i tell her i love her everyday with all my heart.
i miss her all the time.
i bought her flowers as a surprise.
i called her every night cos she wants it so much.
i went to her house to pass her nothing special though i'm sick.

all i got was, "thanks ash, you're always there for me."

now she wants to remove my pics away from her pages.

but when i straighten things out with her, she says i'm blaming her and she's a very bad person.
how do i move on like this?
what does "working things out" mean to you dear?
you dont even call me "sayang" or "dear" the least, over the phone.
but u expect me to give you my 200% which i am.
the result of my 200%, my fever.
and after all this, she will say that she dont deserve a guy like me.
hello, even farah, such a rough girl can call her partner sayang and all.

u are following your influences or your perceptions too much.
that alter ego of yours is killing me softly.

wont be able to slp tonight again i think.

will be dead in no time.


ps. remember when i asked you to watch suria that afternoon about ppl committing suicide and stuff? it was not meant for you. it was meant for me. ppl who eventually commit suicide are those who starts off by saying "ppl dun care about me and i wanna kill myself". when i reflected, i noticed that i've said that countless times.

below are NOTA's lyrics.

verse 1:
hidupku bermula sebagai manusia biasa.
seorang insan, seorang hamba yang ingin bercinta.
tetapi kini, semua diakhiri.
apabila ku berjumpa dgan seorang juwita ini.
ku telah merasa betapa indahnya dunia.
setiap kali, setiap masa ku berada dgannya.
hatiku, hanya buatmu kekasih.
cintaku untukmu suci lagi ikhlas sejati.
masa lalu dgan pantas tanpa ku sedari.
setiap saat bersamamu amat ku hargai.
demimu kekasih sanggup ku korbani,
tiada apa yg ku ingin, hanya untukmu menghargai.
kini kau mula memberi berbagai alasan.
kau cuba hilangkan diri tanpa ku perasan.
tidakku sangka iakan terjadi begini.
tetapi ku tabah dan menerima cobaan ini.

chorus:
kata kata yg benar sudah ku terdengar,
perhubungan kita hanyalah mainan,
semua yg dikatakan hanyalah dongengan,
perjanjian dilafaz semua tak benar.
kian ku renungi apa yg terjadi,
ku telah mengalah kepada si realiti.
notaku hanya buatmu kekasih,
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.

verse2:
kini kau telah menghancurkan hatiku.
empat tahun telah ku menahan tipu helahmu.
keputusan yg muktamad akanku beri disini.
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.
cuba kau beritahu apakah kesilapanku?
dan kemanakah hilang janji2 manismu?
apa yg pasti, hanyalah ini, dengar di sini,
walau apa jua pun jagalah diri.
sedangku perhatikan apa yg berada di bawahku,
aku pasti bahawa aku tidak keliru,
aku tekad dgan keputusan aku ini
pabila ku tiada jgn kamu mencari cari.
berbahagialah kamu dgan si calon baru,
dan jgnlah kamu tertanya tanyakan tentang aku.
selamat tinggal sayang, aku ucapkan kepadamu,
hadiah terakhir buatmu, harap kau terima notaku.

chorus:
kata kata yg benar sudah ku terdengar,
perhubungan kita hanyalah mainan,
semua yg dikatakan hanyalah dongengan,
perjanjian dilafaz semua tak benar.
kian ku renungi apa yg terjadi,
ku telah mengalah kepada si realiti.
notaku hanya buatmu kekasih,
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.

dont let nota be the last coincidence to our relationship please.
i dont wish for anyone to pass you a note of my last breath.

Forgive me if i have sinned towards you.