Saturday, December 27, 2008
.
read thru her old posts again. sigh. i just cant help it. 10.30am right now. took so much time to read them. mentioning that asshole's name so frequently. and i just noticed something. now that she says she's not contacting him anymore, she doesn't say "i miss you" or "i miss him" anymore. so all this while, it was meant for him. probably lying to me all the while. thanks. sigh. i really wonder if she has not been contacting that asshole anymore. i am very very doubtful.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
.
she's sooooo busy. and when she's free, she cant go out much.
i'm sooooo busy, but when i'm free, she cant go out.
end up, we always meet at nite. and there's nothin much we can do at nite.
plus, her mom always makes noise cos she's out too often.
sigh.
why cant her mom be more flexible, or at least she could somehow talk to her mom about this?
now, the number of smses are still not improving. and during most of the time, both of us are working. that explains why. so this will go on for many years to come cos she'll get to work at one of the hospitals and i'll be serving my NS.
sigh.
i hope this wont lead to us tearing apart once again. God please help us. I beg you..
the affection? sigh. just a teeny weeny lil bit of it now. and its been like 2-3 months now since we have reconciled. too long dont you think dear?
sigh.
i really dunno what is in your head. REALLY.
i still feel like just a fren to you.
where's my poems?
where's my "gf-like" comments in frenster?
where's my attention i'm supposed to get from you?
all i get each time we go out is almost the same routine.
and i get scolded or shouted at each time i ask you questions.
yet u say in ur old entry quoted :
"i feel single. i dunno his whereabouts nor does he noe mine. we are drifing apart. i dunno wad he is doing and he does not noe mine".
but when i do all this questioning, you get irritated dear.
WHY?
sigh.
never mind la. i'm still following her flow cos she thinks she has one. she says she has no more problems and all anymore. but i dun feel like its true.
why dont i feel loved at all now?
i shall wait for it. but..
till when?
sigh.
till i had enough of her obliviousness towards my feelings and needs?
well,
i already had enough of that.
i'm sooooo busy, but when i'm free, she cant go out.
end up, we always meet at nite. and there's nothin much we can do at nite.
plus, her mom always makes noise cos she's out too often.
sigh.
why cant her mom be more flexible, or at least she could somehow talk to her mom about this?
now, the number of smses are still not improving. and during most of the time, both of us are working. that explains why. so this will go on for many years to come cos she'll get to work at one of the hospitals and i'll be serving my NS.
sigh.
i hope this wont lead to us tearing apart once again. God please help us. I beg you..
the affection? sigh. just a teeny weeny lil bit of it now. and its been like 2-3 months now since we have reconciled. too long dont you think dear?
sigh.
i really dunno what is in your head. REALLY.
i still feel like just a fren to you.
where's my poems?
where's my "gf-like" comments in frenster?
where's my attention i'm supposed to get from you?
all i get each time we go out is almost the same routine.
and i get scolded or shouted at each time i ask you questions.
yet u say in ur old entry quoted :
"i feel single. i dunno his whereabouts nor does he noe mine. we are drifing apart. i dunno wad he is doing and he does not noe mine".
but when i do all this questioning, you get irritated dear.
WHY?
sigh.
never mind la. i'm still following her flow cos she thinks she has one. she says she has no more problems and all anymore. but i dun feel like its true.
why dont i feel loved at all now?
i shall wait for it. but..
till when?
sigh.
till i had enough of her obliviousness towards my feelings and needs?
well,
i already had enough of that.
Monday, December 15, 2008
boredom struck hard.
well, havent been updating for a while and since i'm so dead bored, i'm gonna sum up my week. we'll see how far it goes this time.
ok. so made 9.7k last week for boss. he was extremely happy. all the buyers from the auction have finally accepted me to be part of their "family". being the youngest there, obviously, the older ones think that they could "makan the smaller fish" but hell nooooooo.. i was made for this! haha. now my pocket never runs dry and i'm trying my best to pamper her in every way where possible.
met her 2x i tink last week. or mayb 3x. i cant remember. but i tink she did have fun with me although she still refuses to blog about me like she used to. GGRRR!! so irritating. can never get praises of me, from her over the net or anywhere else. its like she is ashamed to talk about me or somethin. anyway, treated her to a whole bunch of body shop stuff to keep her revitalised in her beauty.
: "You are beautiful dear. At least the most beautiful to me. And you know how far that's true."
Then, last fri nite if i'm not wrong, i treated her to a whole bunch of stuff at Mustafa ctr. that trip was a mishap. i dunno why it happened but the damn lorry gave me so much problems. it was very fine at first until we just reached mustafa. never mind about that. but the thing that got me thinkin was, how she got so loving towards me in the lorry. lorries turn her on to me?? hahaha. wad the hell. ok. enough about that.
went fishing on sat nite wit dad, 2 sisters and fizz. caught nothin but my sis, fathin caught a damn crab on her line. wad was that about. went home at 6am in the morning cos ate at simpang after fishing before heading for home.
yesterday, a sunday, a lot of nonsense happened. right after waking up in the morning, heard from dad that there was a problem with his car. so i had to rent a car for him, on a sunday. obviously, nobody could do that as all rental shops would be shut. apparently, i did. on this day, i was supposed to meet yana at 345pm at outram mrt station. now hear my story.
woke up at 1pm. got the call at 110pm. got the car at 2pm. met dad at bukit batok at 230pm. ate for a while and went off at 245pm. met a client at toa payoh at 315pm. texted yana saying that i would be late. fine. settled. so this client was a nuisance. the most irritating client ever in the list. dragged and dragged my time till 420pm. yana was already waiting. i was already getting cold sweats cos i noe she is the type who cant wait for long. went off at 430pm after settling the deal. told dad i had to meet yana. he said work is more important. tell her to wait. i told him it was planned way before. so he was driving. he told me to follow him back first and settle some papers. only then will he release me. i said i really cant. we were at the highway already. which was at pie going towards tuas. he wanted to head on home. i said, pa, i really need to go. he told me, ok, u wait.
so he pulled over at the highway, which was at clementi exit. he opened the door and told me to go out. i didnt. so he forced me to. finally i gave in. AT THE HIGHWAY. i went out, he closed the door, he zoomed off. gosh. so i walked along the highway quickly to the nearest main road. yana called me. i din pick up cos she would think that i was making fun out of her waiting. it was already 515pm when i got to the main road. a cab came.
PHEW. lucky me. took it and told him to rush me to sgh block 4. and when i reached, yana was already having a black face. sigh. and she scolded me. shouting in fact. my dignity and pride? forget it. let ppl say what they want to. i never gave a shit about them anyway. later on, my sister texted asking for money to top up electricity. making me more pissed. and the rental lady was chasing me to transfer the balance deposit money. luckily there was a deposit machine there. activated her card and did my errands.
so the plan was to watch a movie. end up, i din get to watch it. had to accompany her home empty as well. so i was feeling extremely bored and fed up. better still, she slept while i was at her place. and after i got home, she slept away. great.
what a god damn day. the bad luck started from punggol where i din get a single catch. then the car, the client, the drop off, the top up, the scolding, the chasing, no movies in the end, and a boring ride home. why cant ppl just leave me in peace when i want to have some time on my own with her? it has never improved. sigh.
so today, went to work as per normal. earned 2k at first and another 1k at the last house. Alhamdullilah. Rezeki melimpah limpah skrg. i used to be so tied down at first but now its all good. yeah. asked her out today to spend some time together. and.... as expected....... she cant. cos her mom makes a whole bunch of noise. and i miss her so much. if she din offer to go out wit me today in the first place yesterday, i wouldn't have asked. she gave me hopes. and what happened? READ THIS ENTRY'S TITLE. sigh. yeap.
she says meet her tomorrow nite. and what can we do at nite? sit down at marina and lepak. its really so hard for her to go for a movie with me. i really dun understand why. she used to love it. and i dun even think i can make it tomorrow nite. and SHIT! Mano, my fren in this business, got stabbed and whacked by some indians at mustafa. got to noe that he was not the person those indians were supposed to whack. will go visit him tomorrow at NUH. so sad. sigh. confirm tomorrow NUH ward tu mcm pasar geylang. or the bazaar rather.
I miss you dear. sigh. You know what i really need now.
ok. ur blurr. i noe. i'll say it for you.
I......
need you.......
Now..
sigh.
ok. so made 9.7k last week for boss. he was extremely happy. all the buyers from the auction have finally accepted me to be part of their "family". being the youngest there, obviously, the older ones think that they could "makan the smaller fish" but hell nooooooo.. i was made for this! haha. now my pocket never runs dry and i'm trying my best to pamper her in every way where possible.
met her 2x i tink last week. or mayb 3x. i cant remember. but i tink she did have fun with me although she still refuses to blog about me like she used to. GGRRR!! so irritating. can never get praises of me, from her over the net or anywhere else. its like she is ashamed to talk about me or somethin. anyway, treated her to a whole bunch of body shop stuff to keep her revitalised in her beauty.
: "You are beautiful dear. At least the most beautiful to me. And you know how far that's true."
Then, last fri nite if i'm not wrong, i treated her to a whole bunch of stuff at Mustafa ctr. that trip was a mishap. i dunno why it happened but the damn lorry gave me so much problems. it was very fine at first until we just reached mustafa. never mind about that. but the thing that got me thinkin was, how she got so loving towards me in the lorry. lorries turn her on to me?? hahaha. wad the hell. ok. enough about that.
went fishing on sat nite wit dad, 2 sisters and fizz. caught nothin but my sis, fathin caught a damn crab on her line. wad was that about. went home at 6am in the morning cos ate at simpang after fishing before heading for home.
yesterday, a sunday, a lot of nonsense happened. right after waking up in the morning, heard from dad that there was a problem with his car. so i had to rent a car for him, on a sunday. obviously, nobody could do that as all rental shops would be shut. apparently, i did. on this day, i was supposed to meet yana at 345pm at outram mrt station. now hear my story.
woke up at 1pm. got the call at 110pm. got the car at 2pm. met dad at bukit batok at 230pm. ate for a while and went off at 245pm. met a client at toa payoh at 315pm. texted yana saying that i would be late. fine. settled. so this client was a nuisance. the most irritating client ever in the list. dragged and dragged my time till 420pm. yana was already waiting. i was already getting cold sweats cos i noe she is the type who cant wait for long. went off at 430pm after settling the deal. told dad i had to meet yana. he said work is more important. tell her to wait. i told him it was planned way before. so he was driving. he told me to follow him back first and settle some papers. only then will he release me. i said i really cant. we were at the highway already. which was at pie going towards tuas. he wanted to head on home. i said, pa, i really need to go. he told me, ok, u wait.
so he pulled over at the highway, which was at clementi exit. he opened the door and told me to go out. i didnt. so he forced me to. finally i gave in. AT THE HIGHWAY. i went out, he closed the door, he zoomed off. gosh. so i walked along the highway quickly to the nearest main road. yana called me. i din pick up cos she would think that i was making fun out of her waiting. it was already 515pm when i got to the main road. a cab came.
PHEW. lucky me. took it and told him to rush me to sgh block 4. and when i reached, yana was already having a black face. sigh. and she scolded me. shouting in fact. my dignity and pride? forget it. let ppl say what they want to. i never gave a shit about them anyway. later on, my sister texted asking for money to top up electricity. making me more pissed. and the rental lady was chasing me to transfer the balance deposit money. luckily there was a deposit machine there. activated her card and did my errands.
so the plan was to watch a movie. end up, i din get to watch it. had to accompany her home empty as well. so i was feeling extremely bored and fed up. better still, she slept while i was at her place. and after i got home, she slept away. great.
what a god damn day. the bad luck started from punggol where i din get a single catch. then the car, the client, the drop off, the top up, the scolding, the chasing, no movies in the end, and a boring ride home. why cant ppl just leave me in peace when i want to have some time on my own with her? it has never improved. sigh.
so today, went to work as per normal. earned 2k at first and another 1k at the last house. Alhamdullilah. Rezeki melimpah limpah skrg. i used to be so tied down at first but now its all good. yeah. asked her out today to spend some time together. and.... as expected....... she cant. cos her mom makes a whole bunch of noise. and i miss her so much. if she din offer to go out wit me today in the first place yesterday, i wouldn't have asked. she gave me hopes. and what happened? READ THIS ENTRY'S TITLE. sigh. yeap.
she says meet her tomorrow nite. and what can we do at nite? sit down at marina and lepak. its really so hard for her to go for a movie with me. i really dun understand why. she used to love it. and i dun even think i can make it tomorrow nite. and SHIT! Mano, my fren in this business, got stabbed and whacked by some indians at mustafa. got to noe that he was not the person those indians were supposed to whack. will go visit him tomorrow at NUH. so sad. sigh. confirm tomorrow NUH ward tu mcm pasar geylang. or the bazaar rather.
I miss you dear. sigh. You know what i really need now.
ok. ur blurr. i noe. i'll say it for you.
I......
need you.......
Now..
sigh.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
vanquish the weak.
i just realized how stupid i was when i sent that message to that asshole, Sobri. i sounded so much like a pussy. now i think i've made a grave mistake. i made him look down on me cos i sounded like such a wimp/pussy/wuss whatever u may like to address it. i should have just fucked him straight up in that message no matter how or what the outcome would be like. god damn it. regretting every single piece of it now.
and somehow that 3 hour chat with Emma made me feel so much more like a man. she is in ur shoes dear. she does it to hype. and from her view, its not that asshole's fault entirely. its more likely yours. cos emma said that you were actually "lacking attention" from me so u sought to him for attention and crazed for it silly till such things happened. i'm not gonna drag this anymore. i got my pride back.
i said u were one in a million.
emma's reply?
"one in a million wont cheat. a million in one does."
whatever...
and she says its very hard for her to change and it goes along with u. why u ask? cos the love is not there. its more like "forced" love now. more of "tak nak break my heart cos kesian" kinda thing. you should noe that whatever u did, did not make me stray away. it just made me love you more. before it builds to an even greater level, if whatever i'm saying is true, and ur just in it to not break me, i suggest u do it. confess to me. whatever in ur head right now, please gimme a clue.
this is my last entry about our "big problem".
Happy 49th Anniversary my dear.
I love you.
Too much.
and somehow that 3 hour chat with Emma made me feel so much more like a man. she is in ur shoes dear. she does it to hype. and from her view, its not that asshole's fault entirely. its more likely yours. cos emma said that you were actually "lacking attention" from me so u sought to him for attention and crazed for it silly till such things happened. i'm not gonna drag this anymore. i got my pride back.
i said u were one in a million.
emma's reply?
"one in a million wont cheat. a million in one does."
whatever...
and she says its very hard for her to change and it goes along with u. why u ask? cos the love is not there. its more like "forced" love now. more of "tak nak break my heart cos kesian" kinda thing. you should noe that whatever u did, did not make me stray away. it just made me love you more. before it builds to an even greater level, if whatever i'm saying is true, and ur just in it to not break me, i suggest u do it. confess to me. whatever in ur head right now, please gimme a clue.
this is my last entry about our "big problem".
Happy 49th Anniversary my dear.
I love you.
Too much.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
if you're reading this..
if you're reading this my dear, u should really read those comments u sent me in friendster back in those days. oh my god. we were so much closer back then. we commented on each other ever so often. and we were so loving and sweet together back then. those constant disturbing, the teasing, the poems, the misses, the drop-bys and those other sweet things we use to have with each other. that is what i call a true loving relationship. please go read them. i beg you. i really go down on my knees and touch ur feet and beg you. please read them. cos i really want the old you back. sigh. please dear. read every single comment u sent me before. sigh. it might bring you back on track cos i really miss being around the old you. =( i miss u so much now after i've read it, and i cant help but wait for you to call me when u wake up. i teared while reading them. u were so sweet dear. u really were. i know u still are. that is when the "affection" you use to give me and now you've taken back is missing. i need those back please.. waaaaaaaaa...!! i cant put my begging into words now. i just truly, madly, deeply miss those days.
i love every single bit of you, thick or thin, pretty or ugly. ur just sweetness divine. lets really work on our relationship dear. we will last an eternity.
sorry for being very hard on you these days. i just had to let it off my chest and to keep you informed. i wont be harsh anymore. if i get mad or anything, i'll sulk instead. just like i use to. we shall refresh our relationship from where the "spice" was missing dear. i love you so much.
it kills me to not know yet it killed me when i knew. do not keep anymore secrets between us dear. lets have a transparent relationship like old times. it works back then, it shall work again for us now. i trust you into not breaking my heart and the promises you made along with the 5 dos and 5 donts.
Anticipating Haryana Bte Zulkifli from 2006 to come back to me.
Sigh... :(
i love every single bit of you, thick or thin, pretty or ugly. ur just sweetness divine. lets really work on our relationship dear. we will last an eternity.
sorry for being very hard on you these days. i just had to let it off my chest and to keep you informed. i wont be harsh anymore. if i get mad or anything, i'll sulk instead. just like i use to. we shall refresh our relationship from where the "spice" was missing dear. i love you so much.
it kills me to not know yet it killed me when i knew. do not keep anymore secrets between us dear. lets have a transparent relationship like old times. it works back then, it shall work again for us now. i trust you into not breaking my heart and the promises you made along with the 5 dos and 5 donts.
Anticipating Haryana Bte Zulkifli from 2006 to come back to me.
Sigh... :(
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
.
she doesnt give in anymore. change? she thought so. not to me it is. she'll never change. she says she will take dat pic, she did not. she says she'll do ANYTHING to make sure i'm safe. she does nothing. her ego is everest high. "i'm never going to give in to anything" is the attitude she adopts permanently now. i have to give in to everything. u know what? i'll stop giving in from today. if she tinks i'm worth the wait for marriage cos she's "saving" it till then, then she'll have to show that she means it. how could you shout at me and even attempted to walk away?! what right do u have? i dont have rights over you. so what makes u tink u have any rights over me? u dont like me being in control of wad u do right? so dun control me. its only fair. u wanted that for a very long time right? fine! i give in again. u have ur freedom and ur rights to yourself. i wont say anythin anymore. n dun say u love me when u dun cos i dont see it. yes u do show me a certain level of affection. but i am guessing that they are just short-lived moments so that i would shut up from all the "nagging" of which u have never adhered to. probably these "repetitive reminders" otherwise known as "nagging" to you are of some good cos without my nagging, NOTHING will even change. ur obliviousness is getting the best out of you. u dont even noe how to make me happy now. u dont noe how to see if i'm sad and do somethin about it. instead, u will keep repeating ur constant "unsatisfying" comments like "what is wrong with making friends? ok i stopped. memang tak perlu buat kawan2 dgan laki2 ni smue. tapi apa salahnya seh?" she forgot she got to noe me from friendster. hinted enough? she wont understand anythin i say. its just another nag. i noe. i went missing from everyone yesterday and she got especially worried about me. or so it seems. but when i went the extra mile to come home to get my phone back and received all those messages from her, i went a futher mile by attempting to borrow my cousin's car and fetch her from work. what happens next? she din even seem relieved or excited. she just seemed neutral. like nothin has happened. what is this? Dear God almighty, open her eyes and wake her up. she's been sleep walking for far too long and she's hurting me badly, deeply.
Someone, something, please take me far away from all this misery. otherwise, someone, something, wake her up. sigh.
Someone, something, please take me far away from all this misery. otherwise, someone, something, wake her up. sigh.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
my head.
sigh..
voices from the depths seeping out to my heart.
telling me to do all sorts of things i dont wanna do.
sleepless nights, persistent thoughts,
answering back shouldnt be a problem?
wrong..
every answer gets a worse reply.
every secret hidden gives space for more questioning.
a police officer in there.
3 different referrals, all with the same objective.
to see if its really topsy turvy up there.
every secret found out, relieves the pain in the mind.
but pain in the heart, unbearable.
all leading to one conclusion.
mr voice: "kill yourself you lousy, hopeless bastard. what are you waiting for you idiot? nobody cares about you."
Insane? not really.
more like paranoid to me.
why must this happen dear god?
i know i have been a really bad boy not serving you as a servant.
but i'll come back and you know that.
Help me dear god. help me.
help me to move on or move over, please... sigh..
i love her with all my heart.
i give her my everything, even if it troubles me.
i dont care.
i sacrifice all i got for her.
i'm givin all out in this relationship.
but i got this in return.
where is the fairness?
VOICES SHUT UP! (it came)
sigh.
prove me wrong dear.
please prove me wrong.
please please please please please work on this with extreme importance dear.
we want to start a family, not another forgettable memory.
ignore him completely please...
i cant beg enough. i'll stop here.
sigh..
when he comes back, or anyone else comes,
please dont be tempted to enter that open trap again.
it hit u once, real hard.
it hit me with millions of spears, much harder.
nobody wants to have my "special friend" within them. trust me.
its really painful.
i bet surgery wont hurt as much.
i love you Ana.
i think only now u understand how much i meant it.
i cant believe i revealed this to you.
i'm really sorry for making you feel bad.
i sincerely go down on bended knees to apologize.
i hinted, but u never got my drift.
i'm sorry baby.
really sorry.
i'm such a pussy.
sigh.
voices from the depths seeping out to my heart.
telling me to do all sorts of things i dont wanna do.
sleepless nights, persistent thoughts,
answering back shouldnt be a problem?
wrong..
every answer gets a worse reply.
every secret hidden gives space for more questioning.
a police officer in there.
3 different referrals, all with the same objective.
to see if its really topsy turvy up there.
every secret found out, relieves the pain in the mind.
but pain in the heart, unbearable.
all leading to one conclusion.
mr voice: "kill yourself you lousy, hopeless bastard. what are you waiting for you idiot? nobody cares about you."
Insane? not really.
more like paranoid to me.
why must this happen dear god?
i know i have been a really bad boy not serving you as a servant.
but i'll come back and you know that.
Help me dear god. help me.
help me to move on or move over, please... sigh..
i love her with all my heart.
i give her my everything, even if it troubles me.
i dont care.
i sacrifice all i got for her.
i'm givin all out in this relationship.
but i got this in return.
where is the fairness?
VOICES SHUT UP! (it came)
sigh.
prove me wrong dear.
please prove me wrong.
please please please please please work on this with extreme importance dear.
we want to start a family, not another forgettable memory.
ignore him completely please...
i cant beg enough. i'll stop here.
sigh..
when he comes back, or anyone else comes,
please dont be tempted to enter that open trap again.
it hit u once, real hard.
it hit me with millions of spears, much harder.
nobody wants to have my "special friend" within them. trust me.
its really painful.
i bet surgery wont hurt as much.
i love you Ana.
i think only now u understand how much i meant it.
i cant believe i revealed this to you.
i'm really sorry for making you feel bad.
i sincerely go down on bended knees to apologize.
i hinted, but u never got my drift.
i'm sorry baby.
really sorry.
i'm such a pussy.
sigh.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
.
ignorance is bliss.
nothing is transparent anymore.
everything seems so secretive.
i don't know all your friends.
you wont allow me to check on you but you check on me.
i don't know who you are entertaining.
i don't know who you are ignoring.
nothing is transparent anymore.
Why?
Only you know.
I no longer want to be a softie.
You are dominating this relationship.
1 wrong move i make and you threaten me with so many things.
it is so unsure what you really want from me.
ALL THIS HAVE NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
You've really changed.
I see it now.
Don't take advantage of me.
nothing is transparent anymore.
everything seems so secretive.
i don't know all your friends.
you wont allow me to check on you but you check on me.
i don't know who you are entertaining.
i don't know who you are ignoring.
nothing is transparent anymore.
Why?
Only you know.
I no longer want to be a softie.
You are dominating this relationship.
1 wrong move i make and you threaten me with so many things.
it is so unsure what you really want from me.
ALL THIS HAVE NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
You've really changed.
I see it now.
Don't take advantage of me.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
.
and after all i've been doing to win her back, she's still entertaining those guys. she still ignores my needs. does anyone even care about how i feel nowadays? sigh.
i thought you'd changed for me.
i thought you'd changed for me.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Tinik's Engagement.
well, it was as usual. relatives and all. exchangin of gifts. and the hantaran. 10K! haha.
nenek cakap, Kusmangat.
Manis!
hahaha!
Anyway, i have decided on my own that i will offer $11,111.11 for my sayang. She's worth every penny. and i can afford it. so lets work towards that honey. kalau tunang, macam mane nak letak eh tu amount? haha.
oh ya, she was one of the MANY camerawomen there today. she took over 300 pictures. can you believe that? she loves taking pictures that much. she even had to get her batteries changed cos there were so many pictures to be taken. haha. so cute my sayang. obviously you love that camera so much my dear. i'm sure you will be busy transferring the pics to the pc while ur reading this entry. haha. Im very VERY sure. =p
took many pics today. but during atik's engagement i only had 1 pic taken. hehe. ate alot. prolly explainin y i look so bloated in those pics. haha.
our turn in 2 weeks? hehehehe..
The pressure is on. Can we pull it off?
Duh! =)
nenek cakap, Kusmangat.
Manis!
hahaha!
Anyway, i have decided on my own that i will offer $11,111.11 for my sayang. She's worth every penny. and i can afford it. so lets work towards that honey. kalau tunang, macam mane nak letak eh tu amount? haha.
oh ya, she was one of the MANY camerawomen there today. she took over 300 pictures. can you believe that? she loves taking pictures that much. she even had to get her batteries changed cos there were so many pictures to be taken. haha. so cute my sayang. obviously you love that camera so much my dear. i'm sure you will be busy transferring the pics to the pc while ur reading this entry. haha. Im very VERY sure. =p
took many pics today. but during atik's engagement i only had 1 pic taken. hehe. ate alot. prolly explainin y i look so bloated in those pics. haha.
our turn in 2 weeks? hehehehe..
The pressure is on. Can we pull it off?
Duh! =)
Saturday, November 1, 2008
4th Year Anniversary.
Just Us. 01/11/08. The 4th Year.
This was one of the best times i had since a long time ago. We had so much fun though time was short-lived and we spent each of our precious moments together happily.I almost teared while reading that small card she gave me. It was so sweet honey. Awwww.. i love you. She got me a funky looking ring and i kinda like it. It would have been better if the ring has nothing moving. Haha. She also got me like this "paper rose" formed into a heart. I dont really know how to explain it here but it was really beautiful. =)
Thanks alot honey. I really appreciate what you have done for me. I noe ur finance is very tight. So getting me those things were really enough to melt me dear. From the bottom of my heart, its true.
So please dont keep saying that you feel bad or whatsoever ok cos items can be bought but u can only win a heart over. No amount of money can give you that.
Its just good enough to know that you still love me the way you said you do.
Btw, you look really gorgeous in that dress today honey. I knew you would look good in it. Haha. You're so beautiful today. And i can see how happy you were after receiving that camera. You got really "jakon" with it. Haha. So darn cute!! After getting it, u looked really amazed and happy and hugged me straight away. Awwww.. I needed that. Thanks dear. I hope you will enjoy the camera as much as i have enjoyed seeing you happy today.
I love you baby. =-*
I fell for you once again. Only this time, i fell harder.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
God, Help me.
Problems after problems.
when is all this shit gonna stop?
This is such a landslide.
An avalanche rather.
i need you.
when is all this shit gonna stop?
This is such a landslide.
An avalanche rather.
i need you.
Monday, October 27, 2008
why?
i hate it when she entertains other guys. she never did it before. so why must she do it now? i dont mind her making friends with guys and all online. but when it gets really personal to the extent of calling her and smsing her, i do not like it. it has always been like that. have you like forgotten everything about my traits or wad? please put a stop to all this. i noe u are bored at home alone every nite. but u still have me. though i cant afford to call u everyday, i do make an effort to contact u all the time. there is no reason why you should fall back on other guys to entertain u. you are not a 1-man audience for everyone to entertain u. all you need is me. i feel so insecure each time u chat with other guys. its as though i have no value to u.
i feel cheap.
i feel cheap.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Nee Soon Camp Performance
today's performance was well done. many applauded and many came up to me and jab to show their support and say stuff like, "you guys practiced alot huh?" da thing is, we always dun practice. hehe. oops. anyway, we did 2 tracks. Shake it Off and Show Off part 1. was really great. met many people and i got a rough idea of how camp life was going to be like. i feel prepared for it. hehe. they seem so united together. after the performances, we received a plague by Supply Unit from the army. damn it man! feel so honoured. a government body awarding us with a plague. woo hoo! i bet no other hiphop kid has gotten this. also, we each received a personal certificate of gratitude by the army. i really dont regret working with G-Star (Bob). oh ya, the food there was really superb too. feel kinda sad for not being able to go for a second round of food as time was short. it was really that great!
after the event, we sat down at bedok mac with Bob's fren, Kamal. he is a videographer for MediaCorp. and he loved our show a whole lot. he said he is going to offer his service for us each time we perform and all he ask for is transport money. he is also going to be working on our music video scheduled for release next year. also, we might be getting the opportunity to perform at Sentosa for the countdown next year. really hoping for it to happen. Foam Party! =p
kept thinkin of her when i was at the camp. she must be tired cos she has been running around in my mind alot. hehe. kept thinkin of how it was goin to be like when she's far away from me for the 1st 3 months of my ns life. sigh.. i'm really gonna miss her. =(
another 10 hours of cso tomorrow. then i'm down to 14 hours. another 10 on sunday then i'm down to 4. will cover that 4 hours in 2 week's time. really hoping for her to be around this sunday. at least she will be able to see how tortured i am inside by these supervisors.
i miss you dear. i need your hugs. =(
after the event, we sat down at bedok mac with Bob's fren, Kamal. he is a videographer for MediaCorp. and he loved our show a whole lot. he said he is going to offer his service for us each time we perform and all he ask for is transport money. he is also going to be working on our music video scheduled for release next year. also, we might be getting the opportunity to perform at Sentosa for the countdown next year. really hoping for it to happen. Foam Party! =p
kept thinkin of her when i was at the camp. she must be tired cos she has been running around in my mind alot. hehe. kept thinkin of how it was goin to be like when she's far away from me for the 1st 3 months of my ns life. sigh.. i'm really gonna miss her. =(
another 10 hours of cso tomorrow. then i'm down to 14 hours. another 10 on sunday then i'm down to 4. will cover that 4 hours in 2 week's time. really hoping for her to be around this sunday. at least she will be able to see how tortured i am inside by these supervisors.
i miss you dear. i need your hugs. =(
Thursday, October 23, 2008
My cute little old friend.
ash: nama uncle siapa?
rushdi: rushdi.
ash: umur brape?
rushdi: 14.
ash: da lama kat Jamiyah ni?
rushdi: da seminggu. Abg dah makan?
ash: dah. rushdi da makan?
rushdi: dah.
ash: sedap?
rushdi: sedap!
ash: kenyang?
rushdi: kenyang..
ash: suke?
rushdi: suke!!
ash: social?
rushdi: social...
ash: rushdi tahu tak saya umur berapa?
rushdi: berapa?
ash: satu ratus, dua puluh lima tahun tau.
rushdi: kimak. tua nye.
ash: rushi tau tak dekni (pointing at dhan) umur brape?
rushdi: brape?
ash: dua ratus, lima puluh tahun tau..
rushdi: kimak... tua nye! tak tau mati pe??
ash and dhan: hahahaha.
i really like this uncle. he is at Jamiyah because he is mentally retarded since he was 14 years old. he has been in jamiyah for about 4 years and he is actually 38 years old. kesian dia. sigh.. he speaks in such a squeaky voice cos he thinks he is still 14 years old. such a cute little old man he is.
some other random pics are here. during my break time i took them.
24 hours of cso left. i'm really gonna miss these people. sigh. including the very annoying supervisors. met so many nice peaople here. so many friends. sigh. i will visit Jamiyah as and when i'm free. hope my dear will come along too. you will really like this place sayang. plenty of old folks. hehe. cute ones too. =p
cant wait for our 4th year anniversary. probably we can find our "spice" back as its a very special day for us. i miss you honey.
Monday, October 20, 2008
.
who the fuck is bobcat?! and why is he/she stalking us?! and why the fuck is rino always intruding in her page?! with such comments?! mother fucker!! if i get to know who this rino is, i swear he wont remember his name!
.
did my cso today for another 6 hours despite my asthma, flu and fever. got home and went to fetch her to cut hair together at compassvale point. she looked so cute. hmmm. then went to kfc and had some munchies. then went to this weighing machine that costed a buck. it described her ht n wt. whats more is that it said, "pay more attention to your partner's feelings". after which we headed over to her house. she was really such a different person. not so much of the one i knew. she's more bubbly and loud. so unlikely of her to behave in that way. wanted to take the last bus home but felt lazy and felt like spending time wit her. after chatting with her bro and sis, she called me into the room to take a look at pics of her hari raya outings and all. coincidentally, i saw this msn window from lina, she was asking yana, "missing who?". that got me thinking if it was really me. sigh. den went out again to watch tv cos she told me to go out of the room. ended up wit her being busy with the net and leaving me all alone wit her bro. shortly after, she wanted to slp and told me to take the first bus home. she even asked me to get her bro to help wit da locking of the door. obviously she din pay any attention to the receipt from the weighing machine. now that i've gotten home via cab, i visited her blog. still no mention about me what more an entry.
sigh.
i feel single.
i feel so unwanted.
she doesnt care anymore.
sigh.
i feel single.
i feel so unwanted.
she doesnt care anymore.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
the engagement.
well, today did a hectic 5 1/2 hours cso before heading off to her house for Atik and Sham's engagement. everything went well. Alhamdullillah. Met Naen for the first time and spoke about ns, school, smoking, work and other nonsense for just a short while. then mingled around with her uncles.
apparently, plenty kept asking about my plans with her. substantiating my find are these below:
1) Abg: bila kau nye turn?
2) Naen: Any plans yet?
3) Pak Ali: Bila nak masuk minang? Ana sorang yg belum diikat nanti bila Tinik dah lepas.
4) Eera's dad: Bila lagi nak tunggu? Tunang dgan Ana la cepat2.
5) Cik Roha: Bila Asrap nye turn?
6) Tinik: Bila nak tunang dgan Ana?
7) Eera: Bila kau nye turn? Tinggal Ana sorang. confirm smue ckp nye.
8) Abg's fren with the curly haired chubby daughter: So 2 minggu lepas Tinik kau nye turn?
9) Mak: Tinggal Ana sorang. ye tak Asrap?
10) Nenek: Asrap tak nak tunang sekali? Kesian dia.
My answer: Tengok la kalau ada yang sudi.
Sigh. i dont know if i should be envious, prepared, dumbfounded or worried. But i'm more worried than the rest. Seems like everyone's hoping for it to happen or at least they see something great happening to us. its like the great anticipation. its like waiting for your most wanted movie? or a present? you know that excitement engulfing your body? sigh.
i really pray that it would happen one day. not to get engagement but marrying straight. save more money, effort and time. wishing upon that star.
getting this damn flu really makes my day worse. fucking irritating flu. sure to be down with fever by tomorrow. and there goes my cso time schedule. but i dont care. will finish it even if it kills me. sick and tired at the thought of it.
been lacking her attention these few days. she's been really too busy for me. and tomorrow she's out with her poly frens for a hari raya outing. After which,
3rd week oct
ash: doing cso.
ana: taking care of granny at bedok.
4th week oct
ash: working.
ana: preparing for Tinik's engagement.
1st Nov 2008
a very short outing cos ana has to prepare for tinik's engagement on the 2nd of Nov.
then ana has a continued short school break and she's off to prcp while i work. wad the hell is happening to us? God have mercy. i miss her so much. sigh.
where's my attention from her?
=(
apparently, plenty kept asking about my plans with her. substantiating my find are these below:
1) Abg: bila kau nye turn?
2) Naen: Any plans yet?
3) Pak Ali: Bila nak masuk minang? Ana sorang yg belum diikat nanti bila Tinik dah lepas.
4) Eera's dad: Bila lagi nak tunggu? Tunang dgan Ana la cepat2.
5) Cik Roha: Bila Asrap nye turn?
6) Tinik: Bila nak tunang dgan Ana?
7) Eera: Bila kau nye turn? Tinggal Ana sorang. confirm smue ckp nye.
8) Abg's fren with the curly haired chubby daughter: So 2 minggu lepas Tinik kau nye turn?
9) Mak: Tinggal Ana sorang. ye tak Asrap?
10) Nenek: Asrap tak nak tunang sekali? Kesian dia.
My answer: Tengok la kalau ada yang sudi.
Sigh. i dont know if i should be envious, prepared, dumbfounded or worried. But i'm more worried than the rest. Seems like everyone's hoping for it to happen or at least they see something great happening to us. its like the great anticipation. its like waiting for your most wanted movie? or a present? you know that excitement engulfing your body? sigh.
i really pray that it would happen one day. not to get engagement but marrying straight. save more money, effort and time. wishing upon that star.
getting this damn flu really makes my day worse. fucking irritating flu. sure to be down with fever by tomorrow. and there goes my cso time schedule. but i dont care. will finish it even if it kills me. sick and tired at the thought of it.
been lacking her attention these few days. she's been really too busy for me. and tomorrow she's out with her poly frens for a hari raya outing. After which,
3rd week oct
ash: doing cso.
ana: taking care of granny at bedok.
4th week oct
ash: working.
ana: preparing for Tinik's engagement.
1st Nov 2008
a very short outing cos ana has to prepare for tinik's engagement on the 2nd of Nov.
then ana has a continued short school break and she's off to prcp while i work. wad the hell is happening to us? God have mercy. i miss her so much. sigh.
where's my attention from her?
=(
Friday, October 17, 2008
time.
why is time so cruel?
why cant you give in to us to be together?
why cant you slow down at times it was best?
why cant you speed it up at times we needed it most?
why are you so selfish?
why do you even exist??
sigh.
everything is time.
Time is really essence.
120 hours of cso-time.
fixing things-time.
ending of probation-time.
waiting for ns-time.
marking the end of ns-time.
marriage-time.
money-time.
such an irritant nobody can avoid.
if only the "Father of All Time" existed.
IF only.
i still miss her so much. everyday it gets worse. maybe cos i am still too demanding for her attention. or maybe she is just not paying enough attention. i dont know. dont wanna think or say much. the comment she gave me in friendster really made my day. but its still not enough attention that i needed. i need it like way back in the days. it would just help to make this a more beautiful one. and seems that now she is not influenced or moved by anyone anymore. i like that. she really wants this. i really want it too. but time is still putting a real strain on our necks. sigh.
how i wish that i could turn back the hands of time.
and when it was at its best, i'll fast forward it to our marriage.
50 hours of cso left. 5 hours to do tomorrow and 5 more on sunday. and when there's 40 left, it'll be 8 hours a day for 5 days or 10 hours a day for 4 days. performance on fri next week at army camp. i'm so dead tired. wishing someone could really give me a good massage and make my day. flu is back. bloody running nose. sigh. always get sick from overworking. why cant i just be like others with powerful immune systems? so unfair. wake up every morning with sinnus (not sure how to spell this). sigh..
she still din get back to me about tar removal and airway cleaning. i wanna stop smoking la. help me find out pls. =(
time goes by, so slowly..
and i, can only do so much..
you are still mine..
i dont care. haha. i changed the lyrics.. hehe. =P
i miss you darling. sigh..
see you tomorrow after my cso.
hopefully i wont get too tired.
my knees are asking me for sympathy.
been too hard on my legs lately. hmmm.
why cant you give in to us to be together?
why cant you slow down at times it was best?
why cant you speed it up at times we needed it most?
why are you so selfish?
why do you even exist??
sigh.
everything is time.
Time is really essence.
120 hours of cso-time.
fixing things-time.
ending of probation-time.
waiting for ns-time.
marking the end of ns-time.
marriage-time.
money-time.
such an irritant nobody can avoid.
if only the "Father of All Time" existed.
IF only.
i still miss her so much. everyday it gets worse. maybe cos i am still too demanding for her attention. or maybe she is just not paying enough attention. i dont know. dont wanna think or say much. the comment she gave me in friendster really made my day. but its still not enough attention that i needed. i need it like way back in the days. it would just help to make this a more beautiful one. and seems that now she is not influenced or moved by anyone anymore. i like that. she really wants this. i really want it too. but time is still putting a real strain on our necks. sigh.
how i wish that i could turn back the hands of time.
and when it was at its best, i'll fast forward it to our marriage.
50 hours of cso left. 5 hours to do tomorrow and 5 more on sunday. and when there's 40 left, it'll be 8 hours a day for 5 days or 10 hours a day for 4 days. performance on fri next week at army camp. i'm so dead tired. wishing someone could really give me a good massage and make my day. flu is back. bloody running nose. sigh. always get sick from overworking. why cant i just be like others with powerful immune systems? so unfair. wake up every morning with sinnus (not sure how to spell this). sigh..
she still din get back to me about tar removal and airway cleaning. i wanna stop smoking la. help me find out pls. =(
time goes by, so slowly..
and i, can only do so much..
you are still mine..
i dont care. haha. i changed the lyrics.. hehe. =P
i miss you darling. sigh..
see you tomorrow after my cso.
hopefully i wont get too tired.
my knees are asking me for sympathy.
been too hard on my legs lately. hmmm.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
.
dont take my "easing" for your own complacency dear.
i still needs those things that you took away back.
especially attention.
I'm just giving you plenty of time to take things slow to set it back on track. We are meant to be. so please do this with all the effort you can give ok?
i trust you my love.
i still needs those things that you took away back.
especially attention.
I'm just giving you plenty of time to take things slow to set it back on track. We are meant to be. so please do this with all the effort you can give ok?
i trust you my love.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
solitude.
my mind is heading for its ease.
i feel almost stressless.
i dont know why.
i just feel like i'm in such ease.
things are falling back in place nicely and slowly.
the bricks are strong dear.
and its working.
its really working.
its starting to show.
i hope you feel the same too dear.
we work for each other's happiness k?
together, we shall prove the hypocrites wrong.
we have the support from our closest ones. you may not feel it but i already know who they are. you will be able to see it soon. some people you will least expect. they wanna see us together till ever. so lets not disappoint them and each other ok?
i feel so excited to spend time with you on our 4th year anniversary. although it wont be such a grand day though its such a memorable day (cos i'm dead broke hehe!), i'm sure you will love the present i'm giving you. i cant wait to hand it over to you. neither can i wait for your home cooked food! yum yum! its always nice to look forward to my future wife's own cooking. hehe.
looking high and low for the remaining pieces of our fallen bricks.
i know they are around somewhere. =)
i feel almost stressless.
i dont know why.
i just feel like i'm in such ease.
things are falling back in place nicely and slowly.
the bricks are strong dear.
and its working.
its really working.
its starting to show.
i hope you feel the same too dear.
we work for each other's happiness k?
together, we shall prove the hypocrites wrong.
we have the support from our closest ones. you may not feel it but i already know who they are. you will be able to see it soon. some people you will least expect. they wanna see us together till ever. so lets not disappoint them and each other ok?
i feel so excited to spend time with you on our 4th year anniversary. although it wont be such a grand day though its such a memorable day (cos i'm dead broke hehe!), i'm sure you will love the present i'm giving you. i cant wait to hand it over to you. neither can i wait for your home cooked food! yum yum! its always nice to look forward to my future wife's own cooking. hehe.
looking high and low for the remaining pieces of our fallen bricks.
i know they are around somewhere. =)
Monday, October 13, 2008
jealousy.
people are just jealous and envious of our 4 year relationship dear. dont listen to them. what matters most is that we still need and want each other. lets keep working on this and shunt all those who might wanna break us up ok? we live for each other. that comment by Bro N just pisses me off. how can people keep saying you're young and still learning? do they think you're stupid or something? learning is a journey of life. nobody should comment on anyone saying that they are still learning and stuff cos they themselves do not know what is best for them. and in this case, its to just mind their own business. yes its true that you have to follow your heart and that nobody can force you into anything. but we jolly well noe that we want each other and its what our heart says. contradicting to this is that "we live for today". nobody lives for today. everyone lives for tomorrow cos only by living for tomorrow, u can learn from your mistakes today. what sorta comment was that given seh? absolutely nonsensical. sigh. forget them. we work for us ok? ignore all these hypocrites. hmmm.
today..
i really appreciated today's talk with her. after some settling down, we got down to our issue. and after giving it a thought, this is what i have finally discovered. well, we are still deeply in love with each other. the toughness of this is just that she's very busy with school and family while i'm busy with my cso and work. we hardly have time for each other.
besides that, she finds it tough to find time for us cos all the things pulling her back from doing so are of much more relevant importance. so she is not ignoring me or neglecting me. its just that she has other responsibilities and wants to do. and she is always drawing back from doing things with me cos i keep making her feel so insecure. its as though as i'm always threatening to leave her.
on my side, i'm just too demanding and pushy. i dont trust her as much as i do before. plus i always have negative thoughts about things that are going to happen to this beautiful relationship. it pushes me further to "threaten" her that i'm leaving her thus making her feel more insecure.
now i understand dear. our meet today was so worthwhile. i think somehow God pitied us and saw how much we want each other and allowed us to meet so we could see what is really the problem. so, there is actually no problem with us.
i will stop being too demanding ok dear? plus i will not say things or do things that will cause you to feel insecure anymore ok sayang? i promise. neither will i have negative thoughts about you anymore. i will trust you to the fullest. you just have to trust me now cos its so hard to work on this without trust that has been built and achieved for four years. and on your side, try to squeeze in some time at least for me? an hour or so like what we had today will do. better still, reserve your sundays for us. we could spend a whole lot of precious time together.
we have built an empire dear. there are so many jealous people out there who envies our relationship and wants to break us up. you can see it for yourself. lets prove them wrong and show them that we are meant for each other k? lets show them what our love is really made of. it would really be romantic and nice to know that we have risen from the ashes and back strong again even after bearing children and all in the near future. i would really love to see it happen. imagine when we are there and we reflect back to what we have gone through all this while. how nice right? dont you feel the same way too? i know you do.
from now on, we shall not think about leaving each other. we shall just concentrate on building back the fallen towers of our broken empire. our empire has stood strong against strong winds and other hazards dear. lets just put back the bricks slowly and paint it back to its orginal colour to sustain its beauty ok? i love you dear.. so so much its undescribable to put in words. only the depth of my eyes and heart intertwined with my kisses for you can give you just a rough idea of how much it is. i can feel it in you too.
we just have a certain connection with each other. too strong that its really tough for both parties to let go. u made me melt in your arms just now when you said that you kept thinking of letting this go but there is just this certain "something" that pulls you back from allowing it to come over you. Awwww..
i love you sayang.
We'll be married in no time. I'll pray that the time will come quickly cos something tells me that it definitely will come. only time could tell when.
Nothing's gonna break us up. Period.
This bond we share is stronger than anything.
Together we'll build something more beautiful than the Taj Mahal.
I'm sorry for causing you all the sorrows and grievious hurt. they were not supposed to happen in the first place now that i understand the situation we're both in. Forgive me darling. I swear not to be foolish again. Forgive me.
You will never lose me again. This i promise you.
besides that, she finds it tough to find time for us cos all the things pulling her back from doing so are of much more relevant importance. so she is not ignoring me or neglecting me. its just that she has other responsibilities and wants to do. and she is always drawing back from doing things with me cos i keep making her feel so insecure. its as though as i'm always threatening to leave her.
on my side, i'm just too demanding and pushy. i dont trust her as much as i do before. plus i always have negative thoughts about things that are going to happen to this beautiful relationship. it pushes me further to "threaten" her that i'm leaving her thus making her feel more insecure.
now i understand dear. our meet today was so worthwhile. i think somehow God pitied us and saw how much we want each other and allowed us to meet so we could see what is really the problem. so, there is actually no problem with us.
i will stop being too demanding ok dear? plus i will not say things or do things that will cause you to feel insecure anymore ok sayang? i promise. neither will i have negative thoughts about you anymore. i will trust you to the fullest. you just have to trust me now cos its so hard to work on this without trust that has been built and achieved for four years. and on your side, try to squeeze in some time at least for me? an hour or so like what we had today will do. better still, reserve your sundays for us. we could spend a whole lot of precious time together.
we have built an empire dear. there are so many jealous people out there who envies our relationship and wants to break us up. you can see it for yourself. lets prove them wrong and show them that we are meant for each other k? lets show them what our love is really made of. it would really be romantic and nice to know that we have risen from the ashes and back strong again even after bearing children and all in the near future. i would really love to see it happen. imagine when we are there and we reflect back to what we have gone through all this while. how nice right? dont you feel the same way too? i know you do.
from now on, we shall not think about leaving each other. we shall just concentrate on building back the fallen towers of our broken empire. our empire has stood strong against strong winds and other hazards dear. lets just put back the bricks slowly and paint it back to its orginal colour to sustain its beauty ok? i love you dear.. so so much its undescribable to put in words. only the depth of my eyes and heart intertwined with my kisses for you can give you just a rough idea of how much it is. i can feel it in you too.
we just have a certain connection with each other. too strong that its really tough for both parties to let go. u made me melt in your arms just now when you said that you kept thinking of letting this go but there is just this certain "something" that pulls you back from allowing it to come over you. Awwww..
i love you sayang.
We'll be married in no time. I'll pray that the time will come quickly cos something tells me that it definitely will come. only time could tell when.
Nothing's gonna break us up. Period.
This bond we share is stronger than anything.
Together we'll build something more beautiful than the Taj Mahal.
I'm sorry for causing you all the sorrows and grievious hurt. they were not supposed to happen in the first place now that i understand the situation we're both in. Forgive me darling. I swear not to be foolish again. Forgive me.
You will never lose me again. This i promise you.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
As i expected.
just when i asked her to surprise me, i knew she was going to do nothing about it.
and luckily i din set my hopes up high cos she disappointed me again. sigh.
this is seriously going nowhere.
the border is getting thinner.
the ice is cracking.
the lines are breaking.
i'm very close to doing "it" again.
i guess its much better that way.
not for those who care for me, but at least for once in my life, i thought about myself than anyone else.
bring me back to you dear......................................God.
i am suffering as the days go by.
i'd rather suffer under your torture cos at least i deserved it.
and luckily i din set my hopes up high cos she disappointed me again. sigh.
this is seriously going nowhere.
the border is getting thinner.
the ice is cracking.
the lines are breaking.
i'm very close to doing "it" again.
i guess its much better that way.
not for those who care for me, but at least for once in my life, i thought about myself than anyone else.
bring me back to you dear......................................God.
i am suffering as the days go by.
i'd rather suffer under your torture cos at least i deserved it.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
.
i dont understand what is so hard for her to change.
i dont understand why she doesn't have that drive.
i dont understand why she wants to work this out when she's not trying enough.
i dont understand why she says she cares about me.
caring about me when i'm suicidal is not caring. its just that she feels bad cos she's the cause of it. caring means understanding my needs. she has not understood that at all. if she were to really care about me, she would have given a thought to why i'm always looking for her, missing her and being such an emo these days.
she shows no interest.
others come way ahead in line and i have to wait behind a really fucking long queue just to be able to spend like an hour with her. we used to spend like 3 hours the least with each other. now, an hour is such a tire for her.
never will she give in to me for anything.
and when i'm missing from her view, she'll come looking with things like "i'm sorry for being mean and neglecting you.." and all those stuff.
what? i'm her shirt or something? she uses me to comfort her but when i'm used, she can just chuck me aside for all she cares?
i really dont understand her. i can show you proof of girls contacting me. they call me like irritating pests. yet i'm still not keeping my options open.
Ya Allah. what the hell is wrong with me? why am i still hanging on to someone who does not love me the way she used to? she knows we're going through tough times yet she neglects me. and when i'm emo, she'll say i'm naggy. when i ask her to change, she says its tough but the fact of the matter is that she refuses to.
what the hell is wrong with her? you really want to know if you're really being that bad? yes you are. how could you ask me to go jalan raya with you to Pak Ali's house when you know that i wanna spend time with you alone? cant you see this?? i want time for us. not time with others but when we're together.
it does not work!
i read her blog dating back to really old posts. and i cried again. she was really such a dear to me. she talks about me almost all the time and they have never been bad comments. now, only problems and more problems.
cant she see that the problem here lies with her and not me?? and cant she see that she's the one who needs to change and not me??
and she doesn't want to break this up.
fine.
then why torture me like this? when i say i feel like trash, you cant accept it. but you jolly well put yourself in my shoes and see how bad you are torturing me.. my eyes are going blind from all these intense crying. if i dont get to see the world one day if she's not with me, i dont care. cos it wont hurt as much as seeing her being happy with another man.
i am still hoping for a miracle. let me die. i dont deserve all this.
unless there is a drastic change in her attitude towards us, i want to die. cos she never seem to mean everything she said. contradicting to everything she says all the time.
she says: i love you.
she says: i miss you.
she says: i care for you.
she says: i dont want to break this up.
she says: i treasure these 4 years.
she says: i need you.
she says: i will change.
she says: i will go crazy if you left me one day.
she says: you are important to me.
but in my opinion,
1) she does not show affection.
2) she does not find me.
3) she does not hear me out nor understands me.
4) she kept saying she understands if i leave her.
5) she does not do wad she does as before.
6) she looks for others for help.
7) she says its hard to change.
8) when i left her for 5 days, she was normal throughout.
9) she neglects me.
contradicting?
not to her.
i dont know what to do or believe now.
we can have such a passionate kiss on one day, and the next, she totally shrugs me off. this week, the only thing i asked of her was to come over to my place to chill. and she said she'll see how as usual. so concidentally, every other thing became more important than spending time with me. so for 3 days, i had to endure her reasons. and the thing goes like this.
1) asked her to come to my place one night and she said she'll see how. she ended up taking chicken from bedok for her mom. nevermind. pass that.
2) the very night after the "chicken incident" i asked her to come over again. she said see how. end up, she had to entertain her stepbro who was coming.
3) i know that she was going out with her frens on sat that was why i asked her to come over.
i got really really sad.
then she came to find out how sad i was to undergo this treatment and started sending loving messages and calling me on the phone and all. best thing is, she asked me out to her uncle's if we wanted to go out the next day. what an unreasonable option was that?
and the cream of the crop here is this. She jolly well knew that she forced me over to her place while i was having a fever to send her a dumb memory card reader. and me, being such a softie towards her, went over despite my temperature of 39.1 degrees.
all i asked for was to come to my place after her work and she was all well and healthy. love me? i dont understand. you do not sacrifice for me AT ALL.
now she says each time she reads my blog, she feels like she is being cruel. the fact of the matter here is this Yana. this is reality snapping its fingers at you. YOU ARE. not that i'm being mean or anything. but i'm telling you what i honestly feel. why not you let everyone read my posts and compare them to yours and ask them to judge who is being bad here? sigh.
i've stood my ground. now you surprise me. i'm not going to look for you high and low like the despo i was before. you want this to work, put your hand into it and clap with me. if not, you're just better off with that other guy. probably he can take all this. but i seriously dont think i deserve any single bit of this nonsense cos i have showered you with more than i can afford for myself. i dont even love myself now. its all you. and everyone says, "ash mane nak pikir yg lain. yana je.." and "abg you tau la ma. yana first, anything else dont matter to him..".
how nice those comments are. i've got loads more to write but i'm not going to waste anymore effort here cos i've put undescribable effort which to you instead, means that i'm being naggy and irritating.
so for that, i wont irritate you further. enjoy your day again today. hopefully you have some other plans cooked up for you instead cos i simply dont mean a crap to you. sigh. you go ahead and enjoy every single bit of your days ok while i stay confused, depressed, neglected and humiliated.
thanks alot for the memories you have given me cos each time i cry, i smile to each one of them.
sigh.
i dont understand why she doesn't have that drive.
i dont understand why she wants to work this out when she's not trying enough.
i dont understand why she says she cares about me.
caring about me when i'm suicidal is not caring. its just that she feels bad cos she's the cause of it. caring means understanding my needs. she has not understood that at all. if she were to really care about me, she would have given a thought to why i'm always looking for her, missing her and being such an emo these days.
she shows no interest.
others come way ahead in line and i have to wait behind a really fucking long queue just to be able to spend like an hour with her. we used to spend like 3 hours the least with each other. now, an hour is such a tire for her.
never will she give in to me for anything.
and when i'm missing from her view, she'll come looking with things like "i'm sorry for being mean and neglecting you.." and all those stuff.
what? i'm her shirt or something? she uses me to comfort her but when i'm used, she can just chuck me aside for all she cares?
i really dont understand her. i can show you proof of girls contacting me. they call me like irritating pests. yet i'm still not keeping my options open.
Ya Allah. what the hell is wrong with me? why am i still hanging on to someone who does not love me the way she used to? she knows we're going through tough times yet she neglects me. and when i'm emo, she'll say i'm naggy. when i ask her to change, she says its tough but the fact of the matter is that she refuses to.
what the hell is wrong with her? you really want to know if you're really being that bad? yes you are. how could you ask me to go jalan raya with you to Pak Ali's house when you know that i wanna spend time with you alone? cant you see this?? i want time for us. not time with others but when we're together.
it does not work!
i read her blog dating back to really old posts. and i cried again. she was really such a dear to me. she talks about me almost all the time and they have never been bad comments. now, only problems and more problems.
cant she see that the problem here lies with her and not me?? and cant she see that she's the one who needs to change and not me??
and she doesn't want to break this up.
fine.
then why torture me like this? when i say i feel like trash, you cant accept it. but you jolly well put yourself in my shoes and see how bad you are torturing me.. my eyes are going blind from all these intense crying. if i dont get to see the world one day if she's not with me, i dont care. cos it wont hurt as much as seeing her being happy with another man.
i am still hoping for a miracle. let me die. i dont deserve all this.
unless there is a drastic change in her attitude towards us, i want to die. cos she never seem to mean everything she said. contradicting to everything she says all the time.
she says: i love you.
she says: i miss you.
she says: i care for you.
she says: i dont want to break this up.
she says: i treasure these 4 years.
she says: i need you.
she says: i will change.
she says: i will go crazy if you left me one day.
she says: you are important to me.
but in my opinion,
1) she does not show affection.
2) she does not find me.
3) she does not hear me out nor understands me.
4) she kept saying she understands if i leave her.
5) she does not do wad she does as before.
6) she looks for others for help.
7) she says its hard to change.
8) when i left her for 5 days, she was normal throughout.
9) she neglects me.
contradicting?
not to her.
i dont know what to do or believe now.
we can have such a passionate kiss on one day, and the next, she totally shrugs me off. this week, the only thing i asked of her was to come over to my place to chill. and she said she'll see how as usual. so concidentally, every other thing became more important than spending time with me. so for 3 days, i had to endure her reasons. and the thing goes like this.
1) asked her to come to my place one night and she said she'll see how. she ended up taking chicken from bedok for her mom. nevermind. pass that.
2) the very night after the "chicken incident" i asked her to come over again. she said see how. end up, she had to entertain her stepbro who was coming.
3) i know that she was going out with her frens on sat that was why i asked her to come over.
i got really really sad.
then she came to find out how sad i was to undergo this treatment and started sending loving messages and calling me on the phone and all. best thing is, she asked me out to her uncle's if we wanted to go out the next day. what an unreasonable option was that?
and the cream of the crop here is this. She jolly well knew that she forced me over to her place while i was having a fever to send her a dumb memory card reader. and me, being such a softie towards her, went over despite my temperature of 39.1 degrees.
all i asked for was to come to my place after her work and she was all well and healthy. love me? i dont understand. you do not sacrifice for me AT ALL.
now she says each time she reads my blog, she feels like she is being cruel. the fact of the matter here is this Yana. this is reality snapping its fingers at you. YOU ARE. not that i'm being mean or anything. but i'm telling you what i honestly feel. why not you let everyone read my posts and compare them to yours and ask them to judge who is being bad here? sigh.
i've stood my ground. now you surprise me. i'm not going to look for you high and low like the despo i was before. you want this to work, put your hand into it and clap with me. if not, you're just better off with that other guy. probably he can take all this. but i seriously dont think i deserve any single bit of this nonsense cos i have showered you with more than i can afford for myself. i dont even love myself now. its all you. and everyone says, "ash mane nak pikir yg lain. yana je.." and "abg you tau la ma. yana first, anything else dont matter to him..".
how nice those comments are. i've got loads more to write but i'm not going to waste anymore effort here cos i've put undescribable effort which to you instead, means that i'm being naggy and irritating.
so for that, i wont irritate you further. enjoy your day again today. hopefully you have some other plans cooked up for you instead cos i simply dont mean a crap to you. sigh. you go ahead and enjoy every single bit of your days ok while i stay confused, depressed, neglected and humiliated.
thanks alot for the memories you have given me cos each time i cry, i smile to each one of them.
sigh.
Friday, October 10, 2008
my frail heart.
i'm crying now. i'm crying all the time. my tears have all washed away. none is coming out. been days now since it shed any.
i know i'm strong.
i know i'm capable.
i know how to handle issues others simply cant with ease.
i solve people's problems.
i speak up to others.
others look up to me as a guide.
i path the journey of a never ending story for people all the time.
but in my relationship as of now,
i'm frail.
i dunno how capable i am anymore.
i cant handle any issue with ease.
i dunno how to solve my own problems.
i dunno how else to speak up.
i have nobody to look up to.
nobody is guiding me,
and my path has a lot of broken crevices.
i just read her blog. i think she's bottling something up still. probably plenty more. if she detonates the bomb earlier, it would be less painful for me. the bomb she defused recently was kept for 5 months. probably the moment i just received my probation. i dunno how long will all this take. my heart is finally stopping its pounding. i dont know what it means. im so unsure of what she wants and needs now. she still needs me she says. but i doubt so. cos,
1) she doesn't look for me like other girlfriends look for their boyfriends. sigh.
2) there's still no affection. sigh.
3) she prioritizes other things than me still. sigh.
4) she says its hard to change. sigh.
5) she requires time to change everything to where it was. sigh.
6) the fact of the matter is, there's nothing to change. its just natural and normal couple stuff. sigh.
7) she's influenced by other things but me. sigh.
8) she hardly comes over to meet my family. sigh.
9) she says she loves me but i don't see it. sigh.
10) i miss her so much but she only says she misses me to make me feel better. sigh.
so many sleepless nights. so many tears i've shed. my eyes cant shed tears anymore when i cry. its that bad. and all i get is the same boat rocking back and forth.
what is this that we're actually going through dear? can you just be honest with me so i can get over all of this? do not force feelings please.. sigh. it hurts more to know that its being forced than its really being given. save me from all this. you really make me think too much. i cant sleep cos i keep thinkin of a whole lot of nonsense. i cant do anything right cos i keep thinkin too. its suicidal thoughts. please save me from all these..
You're the only one who can make me this weak. i have never succumbed to anyone and that is for real. sigh. u make me shake to the end of my spine. i cant sleep again today. i have to force myself to sleep every single day.
everyone's pushing girl numbers to me. i get messages from girls asking me about my relationship and stuff. and i don't know who on earth they are. as of now, there are 4 girls randomly smsing me. not one have i entertained. so many numbers pushed to me. not one have i taken. i'm still hanging on for you to "change".
end of the day, i still wont be satisfied cos i have expectations set too high for you to give cos i know what you are capable of giving. i want Haryana Binte Zulkifli from back in 2004/2005. not the current infuenced version. its so hard to love this new version now. its not the same person i used to know and loved wholeheartedly.
people telling me to let go, but i'm still not listening. am i stupid or stubborn? sigh. i really dont know why i'm so emotional nowadays. if she works in IMH one day and sees me there, it will be painful for her. i'm better of dead.
i'm better of gone. hoping for a miracle to save this or to take me away. she'll be much happier.
sigh....
i know i'm strong.
i know i'm capable.
i know how to handle issues others simply cant with ease.
i solve people's problems.
i speak up to others.
others look up to me as a guide.
i path the journey of a never ending story for people all the time.
but in my relationship as of now,
i'm frail.
i dunno how capable i am anymore.
i cant handle any issue with ease.
i dunno how to solve my own problems.
i dunno how else to speak up.
i have nobody to look up to.
nobody is guiding me,
and my path has a lot of broken crevices.
i just read her blog. i think she's bottling something up still. probably plenty more. if she detonates the bomb earlier, it would be less painful for me. the bomb she defused recently was kept for 5 months. probably the moment i just received my probation. i dunno how long will all this take. my heart is finally stopping its pounding. i dont know what it means. im so unsure of what she wants and needs now. she still needs me she says. but i doubt so. cos,
1) she doesn't look for me like other girlfriends look for their boyfriends. sigh.
2) there's still no affection. sigh.
3) she prioritizes other things than me still. sigh.
4) she says its hard to change. sigh.
5) she requires time to change everything to where it was. sigh.
6) the fact of the matter is, there's nothing to change. its just natural and normal couple stuff. sigh.
7) she's influenced by other things but me. sigh.
8) she hardly comes over to meet my family. sigh.
9) she says she loves me but i don't see it. sigh.
10) i miss her so much but she only says she misses me to make me feel better. sigh.
so many sleepless nights. so many tears i've shed. my eyes cant shed tears anymore when i cry. its that bad. and all i get is the same boat rocking back and forth.
what is this that we're actually going through dear? can you just be honest with me so i can get over all of this? do not force feelings please.. sigh. it hurts more to know that its being forced than its really being given. save me from all this. you really make me think too much. i cant sleep cos i keep thinkin of a whole lot of nonsense. i cant do anything right cos i keep thinkin too. its suicidal thoughts. please save me from all these..
You're the only one who can make me this weak. i have never succumbed to anyone and that is for real. sigh. u make me shake to the end of my spine. i cant sleep again today. i have to force myself to sleep every single day.
everyone's pushing girl numbers to me. i get messages from girls asking me about my relationship and stuff. and i don't know who on earth they are. as of now, there are 4 girls randomly smsing me. not one have i entertained. so many numbers pushed to me. not one have i taken. i'm still hanging on for you to "change".
end of the day, i still wont be satisfied cos i have expectations set too high for you to give cos i know what you are capable of giving. i want Haryana Binte Zulkifli from back in 2004/2005. not the current infuenced version. its so hard to love this new version now. its not the same person i used to know and loved wholeheartedly.
people telling me to let go, but i'm still not listening. am i stupid or stubborn? sigh. i really dont know why i'm so emotional nowadays. if she works in IMH one day and sees me there, it will be painful for her. i'm better of dead.
i'm better of gone. hoping for a miracle to save this or to take me away. she'll be much happier.
sigh....
Saturday, October 4, 2008
what is wrong with me..
"she still does not show you affection.
she is still not giving what she took away from you.
she is not giving in to you.
and now she is taking more things away from you.
you are still hanging on??
what are you an idiot??"
things ppl keep saying to me.
and after today and reading "it" again, i'm still not convinced.
is she really made for me?
is she really the one?
was it her i really saw in my dreams?
f: "why are you still here ash? why are you still here?"
a: "cos i love her so much man.."
f: "love is "sacrifice". if she aint sacrificing, she aint loving"
a: "sigh...."
she wants to work it out wit me. but i honestly dont see any effort.
thanking me back and forth for things i do is not the solution.
people thank me everyday. so get a clue.
i really wonder if my efforts are worth the while cos it seems like she dun really wan this.
maybe i really should stop hurting myself.
i just dont know how.
i gave her the chance.
i showed my affection.
i tell her i love her everyday with all my heart.
i miss her all the time.
i bought her flowers as a surprise.
i called her every night cos she wants it so much.
i went to her house to pass her nothing special though i'm sick.
all i got was, "thanks ash, you're always there for me."
now she wants to remove my pics away from her pages.
but when i straighten things out with her, she says i'm blaming her and she's a very bad person.
how do i move on like this?
what does "working things out" mean to you dear?
you dont even call me "sayang" or "dear" the least, over the phone.
but u expect me to give you my 200% which i am.
the result of my 200%, my fever.
and after all this, she will say that she dont deserve a guy like me.
hello, even farah, such a rough girl can call her partner sayang and all.
u are following your influences or your perceptions too much.
that alter ego of yours is killing me softly.
wont be able to slp tonight again i think.
will be dead in no time.
ps. remember when i asked you to watch suria that afternoon about ppl committing suicide and stuff? it was not meant for you. it was meant for me. ppl who eventually commit suicide are those who starts off by saying "ppl dun care about me and i wanna kill myself". when i reflected, i noticed that i've said that countless times.
below are NOTA's lyrics.
verse 1:
hidupku bermula sebagai manusia biasa.
seorang insan, seorang hamba yang ingin bercinta.
tetapi kini, semua diakhiri.
apabila ku berjumpa dgan seorang juwita ini.
ku telah merasa betapa indahnya dunia.
setiap kali, setiap masa ku berada dgannya.
hatiku, hanya buatmu kekasih.
cintaku untukmu suci lagi ikhlas sejati.
masa lalu dgan pantas tanpa ku sedari.
setiap saat bersamamu amat ku hargai.
demimu kekasih sanggup ku korbani,
tiada apa yg ku ingin, hanya untukmu menghargai.
kini kau mula memberi berbagai alasan.
kau cuba hilangkan diri tanpa ku perasan.
tidakku sangka iakan terjadi begini.
tetapi ku tabah dan menerima cobaan ini.
chorus:
kata kata yg benar sudah ku terdengar,
perhubungan kita hanyalah mainan,
semua yg dikatakan hanyalah dongengan,
perjanjian dilafaz semua tak benar.
kian ku renungi apa yg terjadi,
ku telah mengalah kepada si realiti.
notaku hanya buatmu kekasih,
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.
verse2:
kini kau telah menghancurkan hatiku.
empat tahun telah ku menahan tipu helahmu.
keputusan yg muktamad akanku beri disini.
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.
cuba kau beritahu apakah kesilapanku?
dan kemanakah hilang janji2 manismu?
apa yg pasti, hanyalah ini, dengar di sini,
walau apa jua pun jagalah diri.
sedangku perhatikan apa yg berada di bawahku,
aku pasti bahawa aku tidak keliru,
aku tekad dgan keputusan aku ini
pabila ku tiada jgn kamu mencari cari.
berbahagialah kamu dgan si calon baru,
dan jgnlah kamu tertanya tanyakan tentang aku.
selamat tinggal sayang, aku ucapkan kepadamu,
hadiah terakhir buatmu, harap kau terima notaku.
chorus:
kata kata yg benar sudah ku terdengar,
perhubungan kita hanyalah mainan,
semua yg dikatakan hanyalah dongengan,
perjanjian dilafaz semua tak benar.
kian ku renungi apa yg terjadi,
ku telah mengalah kepada si realiti.
notaku hanya buatmu kekasih,
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.
dont let nota be the last coincidence to our relationship please.
i dont wish for anyone to pass you a note of my last breath.
Forgive me if i have sinned towards you.
she is still not giving what she took away from you.
she is not giving in to you.
and now she is taking more things away from you.
you are still hanging on??
what are you an idiot??"
things ppl keep saying to me.
and after today and reading "it" again, i'm still not convinced.
is she really made for me?
is she really the one?
was it her i really saw in my dreams?
f: "why are you still here ash? why are you still here?"
a: "cos i love her so much man.."
f: "love is "sacrifice". if she aint sacrificing, she aint loving"
a: "sigh...."
she wants to work it out wit me. but i honestly dont see any effort.
thanking me back and forth for things i do is not the solution.
people thank me everyday. so get a clue.
i really wonder if my efforts are worth the while cos it seems like she dun really wan this.
maybe i really should stop hurting myself.
i just dont know how.
i gave her the chance.
i showed my affection.
i tell her i love her everyday with all my heart.
i miss her all the time.
i bought her flowers as a surprise.
i called her every night cos she wants it so much.
i went to her house to pass her nothing special though i'm sick.
all i got was, "thanks ash, you're always there for me."
now she wants to remove my pics away from her pages.
but when i straighten things out with her, she says i'm blaming her and she's a very bad person.
how do i move on like this?
what does "working things out" mean to you dear?
you dont even call me "sayang" or "dear" the least, over the phone.
but u expect me to give you my 200% which i am.
the result of my 200%, my fever.
and after all this, she will say that she dont deserve a guy like me.
hello, even farah, such a rough girl can call her partner sayang and all.
u are following your influences or your perceptions too much.
that alter ego of yours is killing me softly.
wont be able to slp tonight again i think.
will be dead in no time.
ps. remember when i asked you to watch suria that afternoon about ppl committing suicide and stuff? it was not meant for you. it was meant for me. ppl who eventually commit suicide are those who starts off by saying "ppl dun care about me and i wanna kill myself". when i reflected, i noticed that i've said that countless times.
below are NOTA's lyrics.
verse 1:
hidupku bermula sebagai manusia biasa.
seorang insan, seorang hamba yang ingin bercinta.
tetapi kini, semua diakhiri.
apabila ku berjumpa dgan seorang juwita ini.
ku telah merasa betapa indahnya dunia.
setiap kali, setiap masa ku berada dgannya.
hatiku, hanya buatmu kekasih.
cintaku untukmu suci lagi ikhlas sejati.
masa lalu dgan pantas tanpa ku sedari.
setiap saat bersamamu amat ku hargai.
demimu kekasih sanggup ku korbani,
tiada apa yg ku ingin, hanya untukmu menghargai.
kini kau mula memberi berbagai alasan.
kau cuba hilangkan diri tanpa ku perasan.
tidakku sangka iakan terjadi begini.
tetapi ku tabah dan menerima cobaan ini.
chorus:
kata kata yg benar sudah ku terdengar,
perhubungan kita hanyalah mainan,
semua yg dikatakan hanyalah dongengan,
perjanjian dilafaz semua tak benar.
kian ku renungi apa yg terjadi,
ku telah mengalah kepada si realiti.
notaku hanya buatmu kekasih,
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.
verse2:
kini kau telah menghancurkan hatiku.
empat tahun telah ku menahan tipu helahmu.
keputusan yg muktamad akanku beri disini.
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.
cuba kau beritahu apakah kesilapanku?
dan kemanakah hilang janji2 manismu?
apa yg pasti, hanyalah ini, dengar di sini,
walau apa jua pun jagalah diri.
sedangku perhatikan apa yg berada di bawahku,
aku pasti bahawa aku tidak keliru,
aku tekad dgan keputusan aku ini
pabila ku tiada jgn kamu mencari cari.
berbahagialah kamu dgan si calon baru,
dan jgnlah kamu tertanya tanyakan tentang aku.
selamat tinggal sayang, aku ucapkan kepadamu,
hadiah terakhir buatmu, harap kau terima notaku.
chorus:
kata kata yg benar sudah ku terdengar,
perhubungan kita hanyalah mainan,
semua yg dikatakan hanyalah dongengan,
perjanjian dilafaz semua tak benar.
kian ku renungi apa yg terjadi,
ku telah mengalah kepada si realiti.
notaku hanya buatmu kekasih,
ku kan pergi tiada kembali lagi.
dont let nota be the last coincidence to our relationship please.
i dont wish for anyone to pass you a note of my last breath.
Forgive me if i have sinned towards you.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
loving at last..
i feel so much better now. lets settle our differences ok sayang? lets work this out for the better together. i hope it will all end quickly my dear. call me dear from now on ok? i will call u dear too. lets show much more affection for each other than before. n give me back everything you took away from me dear. i really need them. =( i miss them so much.
i love you sayang.
if i could make a tattoo (which i cant) i would have engraved your name on my chest.
i already have that inscribed within my heart. i hope you can see it thru me.
i love you.
i love you sayang.
if i could make a tattoo (which i cant) i would have engraved your name on my chest.
i already have that inscribed within my heart. i hope you can see it thru me.
i love you.
Friday, September 26, 2008
why dear..
i'm so lost.
lost at why she is actually depressed and all when she says its nothing of a major issue.
i'm worried.
extremely worried.
i love her with all my heart.
what did i do to deserve this?
she can think for herself.
i am not giving her time.
if i do, she will feel more lonely and it will give room to bigger problems.
i'm sorry if i have hurt you.
i dont know what is your agenda.
please hang on to this rocky ship if you still love me.
i hope you still love me like you said you do as if it was just yesterday that we got together.
I LOVE YOU.
lost at why she is actually depressed and all when she says its nothing of a major issue.
i'm worried.
extremely worried.
i love her with all my heart.
what did i do to deserve this?
she can think for herself.
i am not giving her time.
if i do, she will feel more lonely and it will give room to bigger problems.
i'm sorry if i have hurt you.
i dont know what is your agenda.
please hang on to this rocky ship if you still love me.
i hope you still love me like you said you do as if it was just yesterday that we got together.
I LOVE YOU.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Someone pls kill me..
its just such a wonder how there are people who would care for "others",
despite "others" not really caring for them.
I dont even get my share though i care.
maybe i shouldn't care?
The world is really cruel.
No point turning to "him" only when you start to have problems.
Its not sincere.
It should have been from the start.
Only with the purest of heart.
Not just because you need to feel better.
"He" is not a "last resort".
He is the FINAL COUNTDOWN.
So dont preach to me.
You know my capabilities and knowledge.
Me going mad is just like you.
Going thru another "phase" of whatever the fuck they call it cos i really dunno wad it is.
only difference is, i dont mind telling it to you.
you instead, have things against that.
and you dont need to apologise for making me hurt.
i started all of it.
i'm always the bad guy.
i was feeling sad, low, depressed, down, shagged and in total unrest yesterday.
accompanied by the stresses i have and all this madness overcoming my mind.
you can see it too. just look at my face yesterday and tell me what you saw?
has anyone seen Ashraf in that state?
your sister in law saw it first.
it was that clear.
i was putting a mask on when i saw her but she still saw me through the mask.
and today is no different.
i feel so giddy, restless and confused.
wad is it that you really want from me?
i just cant get anything out of you anymore.
today is the 3rd day of my sleepless nights streak.
i cant speak properly.
when i type this line, i have taken almost an hour to write this post.
i type, letter by letter carefully.
just like an idiot.
but i dont care.
i have to heave all these feelings somewhere.
and since nobody cares anyway, better to write in a blog,
cos i know for sure a blog doesnt understand so i cant blame it.
i'm mumbling terribly when i speak.
my brain is really drained.
so are my emotions.
If anyone out there hates me in any way,
be it a long time ago or after reading such an emotional blog,
do send me an email at fossil_ashburn@hotmail.com.
i'll give you my address so you can kill me.
cos i'm too tired of living in a dream.
i cant face reality.
I HAVE BECOME A VERY WEAK PUSSY.
yes. i've said it. and i meant that with all my heart.
and i still cant sleep now.
neither can i rest.
my eyes are in such pain, i just feel like plucking them out and throwing them away.
pain from not sleeping and pain from what i'm seeing all around me.
everything is just so very painful.
Ya Allah, Yang maha pengampun dan maha pengasih, i have sinned.
but i wont turn to you just because i need your help to get me through this.
I have forgotten about you for very long and i'm very sorry.
But i will be back once i'm ready for you.
Hambamu ini yang bodoh and nakal telah banyak berdosa terhadapmu Ya Allah.
Tetapi, jikalau hambamu ini tidak mempunyai iman yang sekuatnya seperti dahulu,
tidak mungkin setiap doa' atau fardhu solat yang ditunaikan olehnya boleh menjadi sah di atas mata kamu Ya Allah.
Sebaik-baiknya, hambamu ini harus memperbaiki dirinya sebelum menjumpai kamu kerana hambamu ini hanya akan menyembahmu dengan cara yang tulus ikhlas dan dengan keseluruhan yang bersih.
jikalau sifat hambamu itu kotor, menjijikkan dan sikapnya tidak akan berubah, tiada gunanya Ya Allah.
Kamu yang telah menciptakan kita dengan sungguh rapi.
jadi, dengan seadanya, kami harus pulang kepadamu dengan cara yang cukup tulen dah bersih.
Hambamu ini akan pulang kepadamu bila masanya sudah tepat.
Hanya kaulah yang tahu masanya tersebut kerana kamu Yang Maha Mengetahui dan Yang Maha Kuasa.
Akanku sujud semula.
Insya'Allah.
i dont know what else to say. if you read this and if you think that i'm wrong then go ahead and scold me or do whatever it is that you want. but whatever i'm saying is my principle.
Do not USE "Him".
APPRECIATE "Him".
its that simple.
cos he created us.
Someone pls kill me.. sigh...
i'm really sick and tired of all this.
i feel like smashing everything i see here onto my head and into oblivion.
i still love you.
my love for you is the only thing that keeps me standing now.
but its the same thing that is killing me slowly.
This is MY Diminishing Soul.
Nobody has to care cos i cant be bothered anymore.
even the air i breathe in now is being selfish.
i'm gasping for breath every time i take one.
now please take me away........
Even the water from my eyes are running away from me now.
i cry n cry n cry n cry.
i tear n tear n tear n tear.
i hope it blinds me.
i seriously do.
i am so deprived of my wants and needs,
Just take everything else i have away.
despite "others" not really caring for them.
I dont even get my share though i care.
maybe i shouldn't care?
The world is really cruel.
No point turning to "him" only when you start to have problems.
Its not sincere.
It should have been from the start.
Only with the purest of heart.
Not just because you need to feel better.
"He" is not a "last resort".
He is the FINAL COUNTDOWN.
So dont preach to me.
You know my capabilities and knowledge.
Me going mad is just like you.
Going thru another "phase" of whatever the fuck they call it cos i really dunno wad it is.
only difference is, i dont mind telling it to you.
you instead, have things against that.
and you dont need to apologise for making me hurt.
i started all of it.
i'm always the bad guy.
i was feeling sad, low, depressed, down, shagged and in total unrest yesterday.
accompanied by the stresses i have and all this madness overcoming my mind.
you can see it too. just look at my face yesterday and tell me what you saw?
has anyone seen Ashraf in that state?
your sister in law saw it first.
it was that clear.
i was putting a mask on when i saw her but she still saw me through the mask.
and today is no different.
i feel so giddy, restless and confused.
wad is it that you really want from me?
i just cant get anything out of you anymore.
today is the 3rd day of my sleepless nights streak.
i cant speak properly.
when i type this line, i have taken almost an hour to write this post.
i type, letter by letter carefully.
just like an idiot.
but i dont care.
i have to heave all these feelings somewhere.
and since nobody cares anyway, better to write in a blog,
cos i know for sure a blog doesnt understand so i cant blame it.
i'm mumbling terribly when i speak.
my brain is really drained.
so are my emotions.
If anyone out there hates me in any way,
be it a long time ago or after reading such an emotional blog,
do send me an email at fossil_ashburn@hotmail.com.
i'll give you my address so you can kill me.
cos i'm too tired of living in a dream.
i cant face reality.
I HAVE BECOME A VERY WEAK PUSSY.
yes. i've said it. and i meant that with all my heart.
and i still cant sleep now.
neither can i rest.
my eyes are in such pain, i just feel like plucking them out and throwing them away.
pain from not sleeping and pain from what i'm seeing all around me.
everything is just so very painful.
Ya Allah, Yang maha pengampun dan maha pengasih, i have sinned.
but i wont turn to you just because i need your help to get me through this.
I have forgotten about you for very long and i'm very sorry.
But i will be back once i'm ready for you.
Hambamu ini yang bodoh and nakal telah banyak berdosa terhadapmu Ya Allah.
Tetapi, jikalau hambamu ini tidak mempunyai iman yang sekuatnya seperti dahulu,
tidak mungkin setiap doa' atau fardhu solat yang ditunaikan olehnya boleh menjadi sah di atas mata kamu Ya Allah.
Sebaik-baiknya, hambamu ini harus memperbaiki dirinya sebelum menjumpai kamu kerana hambamu ini hanya akan menyembahmu dengan cara yang tulus ikhlas dan dengan keseluruhan yang bersih.
jikalau sifat hambamu itu kotor, menjijikkan dan sikapnya tidak akan berubah, tiada gunanya Ya Allah.
Kamu yang telah menciptakan kita dengan sungguh rapi.
jadi, dengan seadanya, kami harus pulang kepadamu dengan cara yang cukup tulen dah bersih.
Hambamu ini akan pulang kepadamu bila masanya sudah tepat.
Hanya kaulah yang tahu masanya tersebut kerana kamu Yang Maha Mengetahui dan Yang Maha Kuasa.
Akanku sujud semula.
Insya'Allah.
i dont know what else to say. if you read this and if you think that i'm wrong then go ahead and scold me or do whatever it is that you want. but whatever i'm saying is my principle.
Do not USE "Him".
APPRECIATE "Him".
its that simple.
cos he created us.
Someone pls kill me.. sigh...
i'm really sick and tired of all this.
i feel like smashing everything i see here onto my head and into oblivion.
i still love you.
my love for you is the only thing that keeps me standing now.
but its the same thing that is killing me slowly.
This is MY Diminishing Soul.
Nobody has to care cos i cant be bothered anymore.
even the air i breathe in now is being selfish.
i'm gasping for breath every time i take one.
now please take me away........
Even the water from my eyes are running away from me now.
i cry n cry n cry n cry.
i tear n tear n tear n tear.
i hope it blinds me.
i seriously do.
i am so deprived of my wants and needs,
Just take everything else i have away.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Pics..
Remember this?
Remember where this was taken and how happy we were?
Memories or mistakes?
I'm counting petals because i really cant find the answer.
dtyerutrjsdt
I really Love you.
I really Miss you.
I feel so insecure.
I feel so threatened.
I dont know how you feel About me.
I feel so hopeless, helpless and worthless.
Wishing god will really take my life away.
I'm already dead as of now.
I'm a walking corpse.
Nobody loves me.
Everyone hates me.
Life ain't a bitch.
I am.
I'm seriously paranoid! God please take my life away for I have no more purpose left here.
I've indirectly lost the only thing i've ever loved.
The air that i use to breathe has been taken away from me.
My mind, body, heart and soul have all been drained out off their juices.
I have nothing more to give.
I have shed a million tears.
I have tried a million ways.
I have read a millions pages.
I have given a million things.
I gained . . . Nothing.
Exhausted I am.
Always speaking of things that would be disastrous to me.
I think very slowly now.
Every single thing that is directed at me, no matter how small, could bring tears to my eyes.
I'm writing with smallest fonts because i have lost all the confidence i used to have.
I'm not even confident in writing this.
I'm just writing everything out of my head.
No thinking done.
This is exactly how paranoid i am.
I'm crying again.
I'm such a loser.
I'm such an idiot.
I'm such a moron.
And i'm crying even more now.
If suicide was not Haram, i would have committed it.
Call me a wuss or a pussy.
Know what?
I DONT GIVE A FUCK!
HAHAHAHAHA!
Sigh.
Scary?
NO.
Just irrational thinking.
I'm so deprived of the things i love.
So much filled with problems.
Problems are brimming.
My happiness has not came.
And i'm sure it wont come in many years to come.
So I'll keep smoking myself to a point where it gets too dangerous.
Then i'll stop cold turkey.
It will then bring in even more problems.
After which i wont take my inhaler.
Then I'll just go.
I want to go.
Far far away...
Very very very far away...
So far, you will only see me when you meet HIM.
Call the doctors and show them how mad i am.
I have lost it totally.
My veins on my brains have all snapped.
I'm a mad man now.
Love me for who i am?
I guess not.
Nobody can love me the way i need them to.
I'm so lost without you.
This doen't exist anymore to you does it?
You are forcing yourself aren't you?
Its all my fault ever since the start.
I shouldn't have made you fall in love with me.
I'm not the kinda guy you're really looking for.
You're so hot, pretty, sweet and sexy, you deserve someone so god damn much better than me.
I'm just a useless assh*le trying too hard to please you.
I'm sorry.
Look for me if you're really bothered.
If deep within your heart, something is still holding you back,
then do not try to find me.
It will hurt me more than you try to please.
Seems like i'm the one who needs help now.
Dear god, please take my life away.
Amin.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
My Last Wish.
I dont think i've done anything wrong, i'm in such wonder.
Why i'm still hanging on, being left to ponder.
About why i'm still here caring for her.
When she's not keen to share all her sad hours.
I'm her partner, or so she acknowledge.
But still i wonder why she causes so much damage.
To this heart that requires sincere loving.
She know's it too well but she's not keen on giving.
She wants to give up cos she thinks she cant do it.
Though after these few days, she has been so sweet.
Her stress is getting the best out of her but i dun understand.
Each time i try to dig it out, she just pretends.
That nothing is bottled inside, she's fine she said.
I'm getting too curious, its pounding in my head.
I'm worried for you honey, i'm really dumbfounded.
What is it that's disturbing you, i'm so disheartened.
To know that you wont share knowing that i'm always here.
Your secrets are always safe with me, when did i let anyone hear?
Or is it just because you dont trust me anymore.
After that stupid thing i did, you got sick to the core.
To know that i was foolish, dumb and cant score.
And now you cant help it, you find me a bore.
I'm so uncertain honey, what is it that you want?
I'm so lost without you, i dont understand why you cant,
Tell me what is it you're keeping from me.
Is it something that will change our destiny?
Give me a clue at least so i would know.
I dont want to be kept in the dark, please let it show.
Cos i love you so much and i care for you baby.
I dont want you to be hurt indefinitely.
Give it a try, i'm always here for you and you know it.
Please, i'm begging you, i'm feeling like shit.
How was i to care if you wont share?
Only thing you told me is you're depressed and in despair.
I'm worried for your well-being, you changed alot.
Just tell me your problems dear, give it a shot.
Since when was i absent when you needed me?
Each time you're in trouble, my presence you'll see.
So what is it now that you're holding back?
You have lost your feelings for me? is it that?
I sacrificed everything for you, cant you still see it?
I really cant tolerate anymore of this heat.
I know you're irritated by my constant pestering.
You even said that i'm forcing you into telling things.
You have never hung up on me but now you always do.
Do you think i like the feeling of getting hung up by you?
The one who is really stressed out now is noone but me.
Left lost in the dark with so much misery.
But i wont leave you like i did before, you mean too much to me.
Even though you changed and you dont treat me like how it used to be.
I dont mind all the stabbing you're shoving at my heart.
I'm emotionally drained, too soft to touch.
And it will stay the same or it'll get worse.
Cos the silence brought to me looks more like a curse.
Bestow your attention to what is happening here.
We really need TRUST, in your heart, that's unclear.
And i see it so well, you dont trust me anymore.
You might not even see what i'm being used here for.
I dont expect you to force yourself to tell me what's happening.
I just want you to appreciate everything i'm giving.
And if i'm making you more irritated with this i'm saying.
I'm sorry, but i just had to exert what i mean.
Please trust me dear, i've never disappointed your faith ever.
It shouldn't have been this way, never.
Trust me with your heart, trust me with your soul.
Please allow for the truth to be told.
Your secrets will never be sold.
Even to my closest friends i've never been that bold.
To disclose our matter, how small the issue.
I dont expect anyone to hand me a tissue.
I just need you to need me, its all i ask.
My eyes are filled with tears, enough for a flask.
And if you still wont disclose the matter, i wont ask further.
I'll just take all the beatings quietly and suffer.
You will probably enjoy it as much as others would.
Cos you will see how incompetent i have stood.
There are so many better guys out there waiting for us to stumble.
So they could shoot my head straight down with a rifle.
I know i'm in a losing battle but i dont care.
As long as you're happy, i'll always share.
My happiness belongs to you, you know that dont you?
If you're stressed like you said, i'll feel the blue.
Please let me rest my tortured soul once and for all.
At least do it for me, cos i just feel so small.
I feel dead as of now, i'm so restless and helpless.
I'm letting earth be my friend and god as my witness.
I'm really lost of words to say, i've said enough.
This time we're going through is really really rough.
But what ever it is, i want to let you noe that its true.
That i meant it, each time i professed, I Love You.
Sigh.
Love knows no boundaries and is really blind. I'm blinded both emotionally and physically. Dont even talk about boundaries. I'm just bounded by my blindness.
I'm blind. Not deaf.
Till the day someone shows me the way, I'll just keep listening.
Why i'm still hanging on, being left to ponder.
About why i'm still here caring for her.
When she's not keen to share all her sad hours.
I'm her partner, or so she acknowledge.
But still i wonder why she causes so much damage.
To this heart that requires sincere loving.
She know's it too well but she's not keen on giving.
She wants to give up cos she thinks she cant do it.
Though after these few days, she has been so sweet.
Her stress is getting the best out of her but i dun understand.
Each time i try to dig it out, she just pretends.
That nothing is bottled inside, she's fine she said.
I'm getting too curious, its pounding in my head.
I'm worried for you honey, i'm really dumbfounded.
What is it that's disturbing you, i'm so disheartened.
To know that you wont share knowing that i'm always here.
Your secrets are always safe with me, when did i let anyone hear?
Or is it just because you dont trust me anymore.
After that stupid thing i did, you got sick to the core.
To know that i was foolish, dumb and cant score.
And now you cant help it, you find me a bore.
I'm so uncertain honey, what is it that you want?
I'm so lost without you, i dont understand why you cant,
Tell me what is it you're keeping from me.
Is it something that will change our destiny?
Give me a clue at least so i would know.
I dont want to be kept in the dark, please let it show.
Cos i love you so much and i care for you baby.
I dont want you to be hurt indefinitely.
Give it a try, i'm always here for you and you know it.
Please, i'm begging you, i'm feeling like shit.
How was i to care if you wont share?
Only thing you told me is you're depressed and in despair.
I'm worried for your well-being, you changed alot.
Just tell me your problems dear, give it a shot.
Since when was i absent when you needed me?
Each time you're in trouble, my presence you'll see.
So what is it now that you're holding back?
You have lost your feelings for me? is it that?
I sacrificed everything for you, cant you still see it?
I really cant tolerate anymore of this heat.
I know you're irritated by my constant pestering.
You even said that i'm forcing you into telling things.
You have never hung up on me but now you always do.
Do you think i like the feeling of getting hung up by you?
The one who is really stressed out now is noone but me.
Left lost in the dark with so much misery.
But i wont leave you like i did before, you mean too much to me.
Even though you changed and you dont treat me like how it used to be.
I dont mind all the stabbing you're shoving at my heart.
I'm emotionally drained, too soft to touch.
And it will stay the same or it'll get worse.
Cos the silence brought to me looks more like a curse.
Bestow your attention to what is happening here.
We really need TRUST, in your heart, that's unclear.
And i see it so well, you dont trust me anymore.
You might not even see what i'm being used here for.
I dont expect you to force yourself to tell me what's happening.
I just want you to appreciate everything i'm giving.
And if i'm making you more irritated with this i'm saying.
I'm sorry, but i just had to exert what i mean.
Please trust me dear, i've never disappointed your faith ever.
It shouldn't have been this way, never.
Trust me with your heart, trust me with your soul.
Please allow for the truth to be told.
Your secrets will never be sold.
Even to my closest friends i've never been that bold.
To disclose our matter, how small the issue.
I dont expect anyone to hand me a tissue.
I just need you to need me, its all i ask.
My eyes are filled with tears, enough for a flask.
And if you still wont disclose the matter, i wont ask further.
I'll just take all the beatings quietly and suffer.
You will probably enjoy it as much as others would.
Cos you will see how incompetent i have stood.
There are so many better guys out there waiting for us to stumble.
So they could shoot my head straight down with a rifle.
I know i'm in a losing battle but i dont care.
As long as you're happy, i'll always share.
My happiness belongs to you, you know that dont you?
If you're stressed like you said, i'll feel the blue.
Please let me rest my tortured soul once and for all.
At least do it for me, cos i just feel so small.
I feel dead as of now, i'm so restless and helpless.
I'm letting earth be my friend and god as my witness.
I'm really lost of words to say, i've said enough.
This time we're going through is really really rough.
But what ever it is, i want to let you noe that its true.
That i meant it, each time i professed, I Love You.
Sigh.
Love knows no boundaries and is really blind. I'm blinded both emotionally and physically. Dont even talk about boundaries. I'm just bounded by my blindness.
I'm blind. Not deaf.
Till the day someone shows me the way, I'll just keep listening.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Almost at ease
Went to see her again yesterday night. As usual, went over to Sengkang at around 11.30pm. Fetched her from the basement cos it was raining and I didn’t want her to get sick. She came in this green sweater that I probably have seen a long time ago or just plainly forgotten about, and some “ah-lian” jeans.. Haha.
She was so cute.
She knew I was coming to deliver her a phone cos her’s is giving her the PMSes when she doesn’t have one. She got into the car and we went to Shell. Its like a routine to drop by any oil refill stations to grab some stuff in their kiosks. On the way there, she was already excited about the phone. I told her it was in the back seat and she snatched it from its rest and got so excited about it. Haha. So cheeky! After getting out, I was pondering on what to buy. She reached out for my hand before we grabbed a bottle of lemon tea, some brownies and nachos with extra cheese. How Sweet she was. I bought my dad a glass cleaner that repels rain when he drives for his safety (I’m a thoughtful and filial son).
Anyway, grabbed those things and went to sit somewhere while in the car since it was raining so heavily, we were lazy to get out of the ride. So we sat and before anything happened, she started munching at those nachos.
Banyak nye you dah kenyang eh. Grr.. Haha.
After a few crackers, she gave up eating and focused her fullest attention to the phone’s functions to get used to it. Seems to me, she really loves it. I hope you do dear.
Later in the car, it was as usual, the teasing and all. So we were “wrestling” yet again and managed to pull off quite a few good laughs. I tickled her half to death. Sorry dear. Haha. Then she got tired and rested her head on my chest. Later, she looked up at me like a cute cat, with eyes gleaming with the glow of the moon as if she was flirting and gave me a random kiss on my neck. How much happier can a man get? She even licked her teeth like she used to. Awww.
I played her game and we sat closely together for half an hour or so. It was the best half an hour of my life. Ya. Pathetic. But shut up. People tend to behave weirdly when in love. So let me have my fair share of the cake numbskulls cos you had yours. We kissed a long passionate kiss before heading off to send her back home.
It was short-lived dear but it was meaningful. We’re getting back on track even better than before. Its like we’re starting anew. I love this feeling. I hope you love every bit of it too. Now, that you have started leading us on too, we shall both be equally satisfied with each other. No more quarrels after heading off for home like it always recurred. Lets keep this up honey. Less than 2 months to our 4th year anniversary. Lets hope it’ll all be worth the effort ok? I’m so excited just thinking about it. And i’ll abide by the promise i made to you. So diligently.
Hold my hand and never let go honey.
We’ll last an eternity.
Precious thoughts
No no no. not those gifts. but a gift for the heart.
Picked her up from home at 1130pm yesterday and headed for my hidden agenda.
Spent such a wonderful time together yesterday. bought her Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and Ferrero Rocher chocolates.
We spent a little time at such a beautiful place before moving off to Punggol End. There, we teased each other and had really good laughs. All the tickling, “wrestling” and the kissing. Had my fair share of hugs too.
After that, we went on to Sahur at Rivervale Plaza. Had mac for our gobbles. Sent her to her doorstep at 3am. Had serious fun. Though we din talk about our problems, we felt like a real couple yesterday after all this while. I felt real good.
Probably, i’ll just let all the problems, issues and confusions rest. We should just spend time like this more often to bring us closer. Then everything will go back to its normal route. I’m very certain about it. Only one thing dear, dun keep expecting me to lead us on. Please lead on too. Let me feel just how you feel when i do things for you.
Reach out for my hand to hold when we walk.
Hug me from the back like i always hugged you.
Flirt with me, the way you used to.
Give me kisses from nowhere to grab my attention.
Stroke my hair gently when we talk.
Whisper into my ears just to seduce me.
Lick your teeth like you did before.
Lie your head on my chest instead of the chair when you’re tired.
And just sit very closely to me.
Consider these suggestions my dear. I’ll play my part too. Soon enough, we’ll get back on track.
I promise you.
Fill Me In..
Love is a four letter word with a million meanings..
The means to satisfy or get hurt, just my instincts..
But why do we fall in love when the outcome is unsure?
Is it because its our ulterior goal while we are here?
Falling in love comes only with a big price..
You don’t see it from the outlook but through the eyes..
Try to make one happy but she’s never satisfied..
Keep pushing it and you’ll annoy her, now put that aside..
I’ll talk about my past experience after such long years..
The days we laughed and now the days in tears..
I’m not an emo, i’m just sharing my thoughts..
Cos we’re still together, but many things to be sought..
We Know its time that pulled us astray..
But i’m sure that there is another way..
We know its time that caused us so much damage..
So why depend on time to wrap the cracks of the heart with a bandage?
All we need to do is sit down and talk..
We know we kept trying but we’re still limping in the walk.
But quitting is for losers, i’m not giving up..
You’re not like any other girl that i can meet in the clubs.
I said time is to blame and its not us..
We don’t like being controlled cos we have trust..
Just look at how happy we were in our past pictures..
I’m sure you wanna relive that, we’re in need of fixtures..
But refusal is a devil in this game..
Give in to it and we fail, don’t support the flame..
Now we’re down in shambles, neglect is criminal..
Both neglecting equally, adding to so much trouble..
46 months of dying passion, eroding day by day..
What is it that i did? I only hoped and pray..
I’m sure i’ve pampered, too much even..
You see it too, and I don’t expect anything in return..
I just want to be loved, is that too much?
Why not you weigh it proper and be the judge..
I tried to move on but its just too hard..
Barely a week of ignorance and i felt the thud..
I went to do something foolish and now i’m confused..
“Still thinking” she said, I feel so used..
Now i’m islanded, deserted, hoping for a miracle..
I don’t know what is happy anymore, i just met miserable..
Never did it come across that it’ll end up this way..
Feelings unsure mutual, only words can say..
I long for a simple hug now, I need it so dear..
I feel so cold now, making it worse is this tear..
And sometimes I wish that i was dead..
So I don’t need to ponder about shiny days ahead..
I’m so lost in this immense jungle filled with emotions..
Its so dark and scary, no light to show me directions..
Its like those courtship days, only that now i’m caught..
In a struggle for survival, so hard i fought..
Is this a losing battle? I’m really worried..
So much weight on my shoulders I have carried..
The fruit of our labour happen to be beautiful..
Burnana was once carried as such a symbol..
I’m not complaining now, I want to make it work again..
Please give us a chance and things will change..
We have been through so much, inside and out..
We’re so comfortable with each other, this I say proud..
More happiness than sadness weighed on so much memories..
Only thing holding us back is all the gantries..
We have to pass through it all together..
side by side, hand in hand, right next to each other..
We can work things out, i’m sure my dear..
Its really not that hard, to get it over..
I don’t trust many much, you know how far that’s true..
But from deep within your heart, you know how much I trust you..
I love you.
So much.
Blogging
Well, i’m not trying to be a wuss or anything but i think that letting my frustrations, feelings, thoughts or other unnecessary emotions and stuff on a blog would be somehow “calming” for me. i’ll start writing entries real soon. just wait for it..
Sigh.
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